My crying womb

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Hello everyone!!  Hope this finds you all well. 

Brooke started Pre-K at the end of August.  I really surprised myself and did not cry when I dropped her off the first day.  She is really enjoying herself.  She only goes for 3 hours, so it is almost not even worth the gas it takes to driver her and pick her up.

Lil Stephen is enjoying his time away from her; he has never experienced life without her.  I am mostly working while she is in school so it is not the ideal situation where we are spending all this wonderful quality time together.

Yep, still working.  Really wish it were more money though.  We need lots of help right now, things are sooooo bad.  I work as much as I can.  I keep making stupid careless mistakes that I am sure are really not sitting well with the boss lady but oh well I guess.  Hopefully she does not fire me.  If she keeps me around long enough to get at least a year of experience under my belt it will help greatly with finding more work.  Although, most everyone wants you to have at least 2 years of experience. 

Stephen is about halfway through his paramedic course.  He is gone a lot with work and school/rotations/clinicals.  Oh well, it will be worth the sacrifice in the end.  I am proud of him and excited/anxious for him to finally be a medic, it is something he has wanted for far too long. 

I have an appointment with an ENT on the 19th for little Stephen, they think his tonsils may be too big.  He gets that from me.  We will see what happens.

Now, onto the heart of this entry.

Brooke turned 4 in June, Stephen will be 3 in November…..I am officially baby-less.  I desperately want another.  I want to actually experience it to the end.  I honestly feel like I have missed out on something amazing due to having pre planned c-sections.  I never even got to feel a teeny tiny contraction, or have the opportunity to give one teeny tiny push.  I did not get awakened in the middle of the night because of my water breaking or even begin to dilate.  I feel like I have been cheated.  As a woman, as a mother, I do not feel complete or whole.  Maybe that does not make sense to you but to me it is a real feeling I have, something that I struggle with (honestly) on a daily basis.  I honestly get upset when I hear about women having babies, I find myself overly jealous if they were able to go naturally.  It makes me so angry.  In fact it started a fight last night with Stephen.  He was harmlessly mentioning that his partner’s wife had their baby, that the boss got a text from him around midnight saying they were heading to the hospital….I shot back "Must be nice" and the rest is history.

I want more babies. 

I know that I went through a really hard time, especially after having lil Stephen.  That was some serious PPD, which lasted until I stopped breast feeding him……around 19 months.  It was REALLY bad.  I knew it was bad in the moment, but looking back I can see just how bad it really was.  Things were not good, not at all.  Life was total shit back then.  I feel like I am in a better place, mentally now.  I think that going into my pregnancy with Stephen things were just sooo bad in my life and it carried on throughout the pregnancy and only got worse, leading to PPD etc.  I am sure you cannot remember way back then, but I can, the day I found out I was pregnant with Stephen, big Stephen was in New York and I had a consult with a divorce lawyer.  Things were bad.  I did not go into that pregnancy in the right state of mind.

Stephen says no.

I feel like once again, just like with the way both my pregnancies were handled, I do not have a choice in the matter.  No one truly cares how I feel about things.  No one understands.  When I try to talk about it with anyone I hear the same thing over and over again "Trust me, you’re not missing anything" "You don’t need any more kids" blah fking blah.  My heart wants more.  I always wanted lots of babies.  I always wanted an even number.  2 more and I would be done.  I really do not see what the big deal is.  Brooke and Stephen are much older now, why can’t I be a part of the decision making?  It is my womb, my body, my life, my choice.  But yet it is not.  His parents were awfully rude and mean when they found out I was pregnant with Stephen…..cannot imagine what they would say now.  Who are they to tell me no?  To tell me WHAT it would be like?  I was there the first time, handling 2 babies, plus depression and everything else, I am not stupid…..I know how hard it is….it is hard even today.  But it is MY choice.  I WANT to do that!  So instead of being such an ass and telling me how hard it is blah blah blah…..step up, be fking supportive, and lend a helping hand when you see I am having a hard time.

I am getting older.

The closer I get to 30 the more I freak out about it.  I am getting closer and closer to being too old to even consider babies again.  Eventually my body will say no more.  As mentioned earlier, Stephen and Brooke are getting older; eventually I am going to have to say they are too old for me to even start again.  I really didn’t want a huge gap between babies, I wanted them to grow up semi close in age that way we could do fun things with them while Stephen and I were still fairly young.  I honestly feel like its too late now.  IF I got pregnant tomorrow, Stephen would be nearly 4 by the time it was born, meaning we would have to hold Stephen and Brooke back because we have to take care of a baby.  I do not know.  It all makes perfect sense to me.

I feel so cheated, so let down.

Like I said, no one understands me or cares about how I truly feel about it.  I want

more babies, plain and simple.  I always wanted to adopt too, guess that is out of the question as well.  I understand right now is not the ideal time, I’m not saying it has to be right now, I just want the option out there, I want to be able to say "yes, maybe one day.”  It is really unfair that I do not have a voice in the matter.  A woman’s body, a woman’s right……..right?!?!?!  Although I cannot exactly force my husband into another baby.  I would give anything for him to change his mind.

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