Maybe its just me…..

I have come to the conclusion that the recent events are entirely my fault.  I brought them all on myself.  What goes around comes around right??  I have been afraid for the past 3 years that because of my actions my world would come tumbling down. Myabe it has been this entire time I just havent paid much attention or realized it.  Maybe my actions are the reason no guy will take me seriously, or the reason Joseph runs his mouth.  Its only fair right?  I did what I did, I should have to pay for it.  It sucks, I wonder how much more I’m due, I know things come back 10 fold.  Am I half way there yet?

Toby has called me the last 2 nights in a row.  Midnight nearly on the dot.  The last 3 or 4 times hes called its been around midnight.  I asked why he calls at that time "Because I wasnt sure if you’d be home"  Yeah right!  Anyways, the conversation last night lasted all of 5 minutes.  Mostly just dead air.  I couldnt sleep for hell last night.  Or the night before.  I was awake when he called last night.

Last night I shot straight up outta bed around 10 and looked at the clock then said to my self "Damn, its not time to get up yet"  it felt like I had been sleeping forever.  I’ve been tossing and turning and not sleeping well at all.  I’ve got too much on my mind I suppose.  I’m gonna go look up apartment info and such in the Big D here shortly.  Maybe I’ll find something.

I might have an actual ‘date’ this weekend.  That is if I’m brave enough to go through with it.  I know his true intentions, he’s made it quite clear.  Maybe I’ve started trying to sugar coat these empty relationships by only agreeing to spend time with them if they take me out at least once.  Trying to fool myself that someone wants me for more than just that.  I know its foolish, especially if they’ve made it clear what they want.  Another someone invited me to a party next weekend, I know his intentions as well.

Last night I had a dream about Andrew.  I dreamt he was on 3 different reality shows and I was watching them.  I was with him in the first one, but the last 2 were of him and other girls.  Kinda like a bachlorette kinda thing.  I was getting angry because I was being proven right about why he was always so busy.  I was trying to call him out on it and he still tried to deny it. 

I dreamt the other night of Jonathan.  I was in some room and he walked in the door.  People were standing between us and he was walking in with a few people, he was laughing hard, having a good time.  I tried to get his attention but he never saw me.  Then the people in front of me started pushing me back saying it was time for me to leave.  I was still trying to get his attention, but never once did he acknowledge me.  I was hurt and upset and pushed out of the room.

Im sad.  I cant even make friends through my stupid diary.  How fking lame am I?  Ok Kim, thats enough, stop pulling all this self-pitty bullshit.  Suck it up and put on a smile.  Or at least a front, that is what I do best isnt it?  I’m ALWAYS pretending.   Please, no ‘hope you feel better’ ‘things will get better soon’ notes..I dont care to hear that bullshit.  Those are empty phrases, nothing to back them up.   

Well, off to find a place to live in Dallas maybe.