Lord I hope this day is good….

I dont even know where to start. 
A simple case of assumed indigestion lead to a heart attack, which lead to a simple stint procedure……which then lead to a triple bypass…..which lead us to here.

They determined that his coratid artery on the left side was at least 90% blocked so it needed to be taken care of as well, and they also decided a double bypass was all that was needed.

He was scheduled for surgery at 8 Thursday morning, they ended up bumping him back and allowing another surgery before him.  Just after 10 am I kissed him goodbye and told him I love you, fighting tears because he was really loosing it and I was scared to death.  By the time I made it out of his room I couldnt stop the tears.  My brother, sister and I all walked silently in a straight line out of the unit he was on, to the elevators.

On the 3rd floor we saw him coming off the elevators, told him bye again and to have fun.  And that was it.  6 hours later the jerk of a surgeon he had came out and said things went well…….2 hours after that we got to see him briefly but only because my sister had begged them to let us see him.  Since we had family there that had traveled a few hours and had been waiting all day as well.

He didnt look so good, when we walked out of the doors I headed straight to the bathroom.  I needed a few minutes alone……to cry.  I didnt want to come out of the bathroom but I picked myself up and walked out.  As far as we knew things were ok.  We just had to wait until he was stable enough for them to wake him up. 

We stayed the night at a hotel near the hospital and were back there for visiting hours at 6 am.  When we learned that he wasnt moving on the left side.  The days and hours and all the bits of information are running together so I cant exactly tell it all in sequence.  Hearing that information made everything a blur.  For days we waited to hear what was going on.  It could just be that the swelling on his neck from the coratid artery procedure, which by the way was actually 95-98% blocked-could have been deadly, was pushing on a nerve and preventing him from moving the left side.  They checked on his brain waves and the word stroke was tossed about.

Next thing we know C-Scans are ordered, hes running a fever, they cant wake him up because he’s not stable enough for it.  All Ive been waiting for since Thursday is some sort of response from him, he doesnt have to talk to me, just let me know he knows Im there.

Each day we learned something new, it was a different story, every hour something changed, every time we left the hospital something happened.  By Saturday morning they didnt know when they were going to do the C-Scan, but by that afternoon they had decided to go ahead and do it.  They did the scan sometime around 11 am, we were told it wouldnt take long for results.  Results came back around 2ish, the doctor was called to look them over.  By 6 we still hadnt heard anything.  I finally ended up getting upset with the nurse, asking why we hadnt heard anything, so a doctor talked to mom, he didnt really say much, but at the same time he said everything.

Dad had a stroke.

But we still hadnt talked to the Neuro doctor.  We left the hospital to go home and the phone rang.  We raced back to the hospital only to have the PA tell us that they had decided it was best not to give dad any meds to help with the stroke, it would do more damage than good and that the neuro doc would talk to us around 10:30 yesterday morning.

Just after 11am yesterday, my brother and I were visiting dad and the doc came by, we quickly gathered everyone and went into the family room for privacy.

Only to learn that he had a major stroke and would probably never regain function on his left side again even with rehabilitation, a 3rd to a half of his brain was affected.

I felt my body start to shake, I felt like I was going to pass out and was searching the room for a trash can to puke in.  I hung on every word that doctor said.

Ischemic Stroke.

When dad went into surgery he was so afraid, mostly afraid of dying on the table, but just afraid. 

We all left the hospital after the 2 pm visit, planning to go home and try to get some rest, around 6 mom called, the hospital had called and said dad had an episode and they had to shock his heart but he was stable.  I didnt ask questions, I just told her I was on my way to pick her up. 

We got there and the nurse let us see him for a bit, even though it wasnt visiting hours, she explained things.

At the 10 pm visit a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  He was responding.  I asked him to open his eyes and I could see he was trying so I opened one eye, I told him hi and asked if he could see me.  If he could see me I asked that he squeeze my hand and he did.  I was trying so hard not to cry.  I told him he looked good, he needed to stay calm and asked if he was in pain.  He isnt able to locate the pain he just knows its there, then I asked if he wanted mom and he squeezed my hand so tight.  Shortly after that though he fell back asleep.  The nurse hadnt changed his meds so he had woken up on his own, even though he was sedated.

As of this morning the fever is still down, which means its been down for 24 hours.  He was responding to the nurses commands at some point.  And it looks like some of the swelling is going down.  They are still keeping him sedated and arent sure when they will be able to wake him up.  As far as I know the brain swelling hasnt completely reduced either.

His body over reacts when he is awake and it causes more harm than good.  They arent sure if the stroke happened during his surgery or during his recovery.  They are expecting him to remain in the CVICU unit for another week, if all goes according to plan and he shows good improvement then he will be moved to another room after that for a few weeks, then off to a rehabilitation center for 6-8 weeks.  So, if all goes according to plan then we are looking at 2 to 3 months before he gets to come home.

This all started out so simple…….now its gotten so complicated.

All I can think about is how grateful I am that I spent this past weekend with him, fishing, something I learned to love and appreciate because of him.  I am so angry with myself for all the terrible things Ive said and done in the past.  But its all in the past and I believe that through it all, in his heart he knows how much I love him, and even though hes been ugly to me I know I mean the world to him.  Im glad he got to walk me down the aisle,  Im sorry he wont get to chase Piglet around the yard or take Piglet on fishing trips like he used to do with me when I was little.  Stephen was saying my dad wont be able to drive my truck any more, because its a standard, that hurt.  Its because of my dad that I refuse to drive anything but a standard, he taught me that.  Last night in the waiting room was a father and his 2 little girls, my eyes started to sting watching them……thinking about how we used to have that.  When I was younger I used to be attached to his hip and now Im regretting that I am no longer like that.  My dad and I are one in the same and that causes us to clash alot…..I hate that.  I love that I am so much like him because under it all he truly is a great man, but its always bothered me that I am so much like him.

I really just dont know what to say.  I do want to say thanks for the notes.

I am the family informant, I keep everyone updated.  After his episode yesterday, mom got very upset and I refused to allow her to handle the phone at all.  Up until that point I had been taking care of most of the phone calls but she would do a few as well. 

Ultimately my goal is to take care of him.  If I know for sure Stephen and I can survive, Id like to stay home with him, take care of him and the baby.  Keep his moral up and keep pushing him to try harder.  There are medical miracles every day.  Every day patients surprise doctors by doing exactly the things they were told they never would do again. 

I plan on dad being one of those patients.

 

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