Is it Friday yet??????????

So, I’ve decided not to go back to Stephen’s this week.  He’s off Sunday and we could hang out, but I’m going to try my best not to.  Perhaps I will go over there Monday night after I get my shot, but I’m going to try not to go before then.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I miss him and want to be with him…but…..I don’t know.  I’m sick of getting into little arguments with him.  Constantly, we get pouty with each other over stupid little things.  For instance, last night I was horny.  I hadn’t seen Stephen in 2 days, I wanted to feel my mans touch.   When I first got there, I couldn’t wait to kiss him, not a ‘hi how are you’ a ‘fk I missed you so much’ kinda kiss, but he was downstairs with Rachel, kissing like that in front of people makes me uncomfortable, so I was disappointed.  I stood there, waiting for him to motion that we were going up stairs so I could give him that kiss, but after a long while, I knew it was pointless and just went and put my stuff upstairs then came back down to join them.  Not the first time that’s happened, I’m sure it’s not the last.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Craig and Rachel, but when I first get there, I just want to be alone with my Stephen, no one else around.  I despise having to wait for my alone time with him.  Give me 10 minutes, that’s it, then you can go back and hang with them.

 

 

 The last two nights I was with Stephen, I laid there and played with myself until I got nearly to the point of cumming, then woke him up in whatever way so he could ‘finish me off’.  Anywho, last night he was saying he was exhausted, so I thought Id behave myself, suppress my horny urges and let the boy sleep.  He went to kiss my neck just the way I love so much and I pulled away.  Not only do I love the way it feels, but it turns me on at the same time, so to have him kiss my neck then fall asleep would just be a tease.  He got upset that I pulled away and that was that. 

 

 

Things are never going to work like this.  We’ve ‘argued’ somewhat, for the past 3 nights.  That’s WAY too often for a relationship still this new.  So, I’m thinking its best we spend some time apart.  He also seems to think I’m always pissed off at him.  I don’t recall a single time I’ve ever been pissed off at him.  Hurt maybe, upset, yes, but not pissed off.  It’s not good that he feels that way.  He deserves someone better than me.  It’s not fair to him to have to feel that way in a relationship, like he has to walk on eggshells.  I don’t want him to be afraid of me.

 

 

I’m to the point where I want to break up, just to give him the freedom to find someone better, but I cant bare to do that.  In a perfect world, I would have him all to myself and things would be carefree constantly, none of the little bickering. 

 

 

I’m also feeling unwanted.  I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the little sex kitten I used to be, I SUCK in bed.  I’ve become a lazy fat ass.  That’s not fair to him either.  I had decided yesterday I would wear something ‘special’ for him this weekend to spice things up a bit, but now I’m not in the mood to.  I’m feeling like he doesn’t want me.  I’m sure he does, but at the same time………when I have to wake him up in the middle of the night 2 times in one week, it’s not really a good thing.  The night before last he didn’t want me to come over.  He started making excuses that I was sick and he wanted me to rest blah blah blah, then he said he was exhausted.  It wasn’t until my feelings got hurt that he started saying I took it the wrong way.  Then it makes me feel like he’s telling me to come over out of obligation, because my feelings are hurt and it will make me feel better.  I don’t want a pity invite.  I want him to want me to come over.  I’m curious if last nights invite was just to avoid the problems of the night before.

  So, I’m just not going to go over there.

 

 

I want to give up.  It hurts me too much to know that he deserves better than what I give him.  It hurts me to know that little shit constantly bothers me and it’s going to push him away.  I want to give up.  I’m tired of arguing.  I know things will never work out this way.  Oh, but I desperately want them to. 

 

 

I love him.

 

 

On a happier note, I just got a call back about my resume, the interview is Monday.