In over my head…..

 Over a month ago they reduced Stephens hours at work, he is now making about $500 less a paycheck.  This all came the month before the first mortgage payment was due.  October 1st.  Here it is October 15th and the mortgage hasnt been paid, neither truck note, insurance and numerous other bills.  On top of that, our account is overdrawn.  They came to shut my lights off on Friday, good thing I was home early, the guy said he would give me a few hours to get it paid.  I did.  Plus I paid the phone bill, they were about to shut that off too.  Those 2 payments caused us to be over drawn.  I get paid tonight.  If only it could have waited until Monday.  Now, we are going to have NSF’s out the ass.  Im so stressed out its unreal.  I never imagined this.  I am always on top of my bills, making sure they get paid on time.  On top of that, I wanted to establish my credit and build it, which I was doing, my credit score kept going up………now Im going to be totally fked.  All because of his stupid fking job.

Now hes in school.  I couldnt be the bad guy and not let him go.  As much as I really didnt want him to, I gave in and let him do it.  Everything is about him right now, his school, his catering, his job………everything.  Perhaps I need to grow more of a backbone.  He is the one who kept wanting to get more credit, I said no and knew better, but ALWAYS gave in.  Thats my own fault.I just dont want to tell him no because he always makes me feel guilty for it.  I really didnt want him to start this class, but he kept on and on and making me feel so guilty.  They cut his hours at work, but he still had the options of picking up shifts on Tuesdays and Thursdays, now that he goes to school those days he doesnt have the option.  So, tonight he is working a 24, probably doing that much more often, when he leaves work he will have to head straight to school.  This is what our life is going to be like for the next few months.  Struggling to get bills paid and him always being at work.  And I just have to grin and bare it, because, well, this is for his betterment. 

While Im left at home stressed out because I cant fking pay bills and in order to even TRY to get bills paid my husband will never be home.  This is exactly the way Craig and Rachels relationship works.  Craig is never home, he is always at work, and they like it that way.  They like never seeing each other.  Its as if they arent really even married at all.  I dont want that.  I want my husband home every night.  But nope, not an option.  At least not until December.  Plus, I have a very good feeling that after he finishes this class, upgrades his certification and starts looking for a new job, the only thing he is going to find is something where he works 24’s.  And, again, we will have that situation where I am feeling guilty for wanting to say no and he is pushing to do it.

Whatever, this was not my idea of a fairytale……..this is not how I had wanted my forever to go.  I feel like I got royally fked.  My bills cant get paid, my husband isnt home.  Im, just not in a good place, not in a good place at all. 

On top of that, my job fking sucks, I really hate it here.  Im stuck.

Plus, my sister and her family might be moving in with us.  I said they had to pay at least $200 a month.  I dunno that it will be worth it.  I told Stephen I didnt want to hear his mouth about it, if they did, since he agreed.  But, I can see it now……he already mouths about them enough, once they are living in the house, and start doing things that piss him off, he is going to mouth more.  I know I dont care for somethings they do either, I have my opinion, but I can see it causing problems already.

Im not happy.  Not happy at all.

This is not the way my life is supposed to be going.

I’m 24, married to a man that will never be home, broke as hell, cant get the bills paid, stuck in a dead end pointless job……..with nothing to offer…….nothing to offer myself, anyone, the world.