Im so sorry

Stephen read old entries yesteryday.  Apparently he spent most of his day doing that and it upset him.  He’s upset because I had a life before him.  I wrote in great detail about moments I shared with Joseph and that upset him.  I can understand that.  He basically did the same thing to me about his past, only I had him telling me to my face.  Then, he still wants to be friends with them all, keep them all on his buddy lists and talk to them in secret behind my back.  I can understand how he’s feeling to an extent, but truthfully I think what he made me feel was worse than how he feels about just reading my entries. 

I dont talk to anyone secretly, behind his back, ESPECIALLY no one I had relations with.  Im up front and forward about it all.  Like Ive said a million times over, I dont want him to have any question in his mind.  These are reasons Ive wanted to break up with him and Ive been unhappy.  Ive tried to tough it out and such and get past it, but its not easy.

Enough about me though.  Back to him, I feel bad for hurting him with it.  I feel bad that he feels like most of the things I write about him are negative compared to what I wrote about Joseph. 

Like I told him last night, I wrote those mostly for a response from readers, it was my way of playing with writing Erotica.  I tried to write a fictional story once and I didnt like it too much so it was easier just to use real life. 

Ive told him I will remove the entires, they serve no real purpose so whats the point in keeping them.  Hell if I know.

I want to make it clear that I do love Stephen and no matter what happened in my past, I wouldnt trade today for yesterday EVER!!

Ive been trying not to write as many negative things about him.  It does hurt even myself that its basically all I write.  Like I just recently said elsewhere "I bitch about Stephen alot.  I also know that most of the time when I write about him its with a negative tone, thats simply my little way of venting to someone other than him.  It makes me feel better to write down what Im thinking and how I feel.  It helps me.  The truth of the matter is when the day is done, theres no place Id rather be than laying next to him. I love him much, I could never find anyone better to me than he is.  I have got to be the luckiest girl in the world.  He is more than I ever imagined and I dont deserve him.  I dont want to let him go."

He asked me if I dont do certain things, like wear sexy outfits for him because of Joseph or anyone else.  Thats not at all true.  Just because its mostly the same reasoning doesnt mean it has anything to do with anyone else.  Its all me.  The only thing that affects our relationship because of someone else is my insecurities, feeling like Im going to get shit on again, because of my extra cautious attitude now, its caused more problems for me and Stephen.  I cant help that, but if it werent for the others making me that crazy what would be going on now?  What would Stephen be doing now that I dont know of………

I know he feels like hes not good enough for me, like I deserve better and I feel the same way on my end.  Honestly though I could careless about doing any better, I think Im doing pretty damn good keeping him around.  Hes so much more than I deserve.  He feels bad that hes broke and cant buy nice things for me and such….I DONT CARE.  All I need his him.  Despite my frustrated, negative entries, I love him, I love being with him, I love the way he makes me feel, he’s all I want.

I dont know what else to say……

I played both of these Tanya Tucker songs for Stephen the other day…..I dont think he was really paying attention that day when I did it so, I think I’ll do it again

I’ll Take Today

Yeah he’s the one – the one I told you all about
Yeah, it was serious, but it was long ago
He just might walk over here
And give me a kiss for old times
But don’t you worry dear
Old times next to you, can never compare

I’ll take today over yesterday, any day
I’ll take lying in your arms tonight
Over and above any love I’ve known
Memories may find me, but they’ll always be behind me
I’ll take today over yesterday, any day

I’d be lyin’ if I tried to tell you now
That I never loved him, and he doesn’t ever cross my mind
But that was yesterday, and baby, I don’t wanna go back
Here’s where I’m gonna stay
With you in each tomorrow of my life

I’ll take today over yesterday, any day
I’ll take lying in your arms tonight
Over and above any love I’ve known
Memories may find me, but they’ll always be behind me
I’ll take today over yesterday, any day

 

Little Things

Love can’t be measured with diamonds and gold
Before you spend your money I oughta let you know
If you wanna get to me, try the little things
Don’t need that mansion on top of the hill
Too many rooms with nothing to fill
You can furnish me, with the little things

Rub my back, make me laugh
Hold me while I dream
All it takes, to make my day
Is to tell me you love me, little things

It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in
I always melt when you begin whispering
All those little things

Rub my back, make me laugh
Hold me while I dream
All it takes, to make my day
Is to tell me you love me, little things

Rainy walks, midnight talks
Dance me on your feet
Hold me close, don’t let go
All I’ll ever need
Is a single rose, a kiss hello
That smile upon your face
The tender way, you say my name
Takes my breath away
Little things
Little things
hmmm Little things