If we had known our love would come to this (7 years later)

Hello again old friend! I haven’t seen you in quite some time!

It’s ironic and fitting that I used this title on my last entry all those years ago.

So much has changed.  I probably should start writing here again, it would be good therapy.  Goodness knows I have a lot of things on my mind.

As it was before, I will just be rambling on.  I’ve never been here to write for the audience, instead I have always just used it as a way to get things off my chest.

Quick update time, I am exhausted and won’t be here long.

First, I am in the middle of an ugly divorce.  More details to come about that, I am sure.

I feel completely worthless.  I am a terrible mother.  I am undeserving.

I know those are all things within my own head and I am working on those things.  But they are profound thoughts.

My kids are now 12 and 11.  They have grown up way too fast.

Their dad doesn’t have much to do with them. He’s with someone new, she’s not the best person in the world, and he has decided to make her a priority in his life.

I work full-time and I am also a full-time student. No need to mention the full-time single mom thing.

The kids and I were renting a place for the past year but during the Christmas season we moved in with my mom.

My dad passed away a few years ago.

I am seeing someone.  It’s long distance but we make it work.  I’ve flown there once, he has flown here several times.  We are taking a trip together in a few weeks and I am looking forward to our first real adventure together. He’s nice. I like him.  I love him. He tries very hard to make me see my worth.  I am just so damaged.  You can read a lot of the beginning of what started the damage in my old entries.  However, a lot more occurred during my marriage. So, I am constantly pushing him away.  I know he can do better than me.  He deserves better.  Mostly, I am afraid that I am going to get too attached and then when he finally sees with his own eyes that I am not worth his time, its going to shatter me.  Or he’s going to get tired of the pushing.  I don’t want to push him away.  I want to see this through but I’m not always brave enough for that.  I let the thoughts in my head consume me. I am tired of being used and hurt.  I just want to be good enough. I have been through a lot of shit but my gut, for the first time, feels like this one is different.  Normally, right in the beginning I start ignoring the red flags.  I see them there, I just purposely overlook them, hoping they will go away.  So far, the worst part about this guy is he lives too far away.  Time will tell I suppose.

Anyways, it’s time for me to get to bed.  I will be back soon.