I’d crawl on my knees for the whole world to see

Last night I dreamt of Sam, for those of you who dont remember her……check out this entry.  I dreamt that I had written her a note, saying things like I missed her and always think of her and such.  I cant remember much detail, but I do remember that she called me on the phone and started to tell me that she had read the note.  I started crying and telling people that ‘they really do watch over us and know whats going on’  Then she was there in person and I was trying to prove to people that she was there and that she had been aware of my thoughts and had gotten my letter as well.  In my dream she was dead just like in real life.  The dream was a bit weird, wish I could remember more details.

I dont really have much else to say today.  I feel like I’m falling back into my hole.  Damn, it seems like the entire month of November I was down and out and it really still hasnt let up.  I wonder what the deal is.   Usually it only lasts about a week.  But, every other month is the worst.  Perhaps thats just what it is.  This is one of the worst months.  Anywho…..perhaps this slump will pass soon.  I think its all because I’m feeling so unmotivated when it comes to life in general these days, finances and loneliness.  It’s normal, I know, but still….it sucks.

I’ve realized I’m starting to resent Joseph.  Simply because he makes me so fking weak.  I hate that.  I wish it were easier for me.  I’m over him, I know my heart is over him, and my heart cant take it anymore.  I’m done with him, I dont want to be with him, so why the hell does he still have this hold on me?  I have said in the past that I’m over everything he has ever done to me, but honestly, I dont think I am.  I forgive him for it, but how can one truly ever get over that much?  I’ve done the forgiving, I just need to forget now. 

I realized last night how much I miss Nic.  I’ve been wanting to call him for a few weeks now but havent got the chance.  I’m gonna try my hardest to call him this weekend.  I havent really talked to him in well over a month.  Wonder how life is going for him.

Am I a broken person?  I have been back and fourth with this question in my mind over and over again lately.  I cant answer it.  Part of me screams yes, while the other part refuses to accept that.  I’m so confused about who I am and what I am.  I was sure I knew me, but here lately I have questioned that.  Maybe thats because of this slump, I dunno ::shrugs::

Maybe I’m lacking motivation because I’m tremendously bored.  My life has become sleeping, driving, working, driving, eating, sleeping.  I need some excitement.  I need someone to kick me in the ass and say "Kim, get a hold of yourself girl"  I’m slowly slipping into the cracks of the earth unnoticed.

Although I do have plenty to bitch about, I’m not bitching about work today.  Whats the point?