I feel so trapped….

Joseph called me last night.  He is trying to blackmail me so to speak.  Back in July I told him I had written a few XXX entries about him.  At the time (I wrote about this but it was deleted thanks to the hackers) he said he didnt care.  I told him I would e-mail him a few entries and a few notes I got about them.  So I did.  Well, he JUST now read the e-mails.   He called last night a little after 11 asking what this was that I had posted on the internet.  The conversation was short, he said he was going to finish reading it then call me back.  When he finally did call back he was a bit pissed off.  Why, I honestly dont know.  I didnt make a fool of him or anything in those entries.  Anyways, he starts telling me he is going to print them out and send them to my mom, I tell him to go ahead and while he’s at it to send a copy to his mom as well.  He started being a major dick, and thats when I realized he was actually at his friend James’ house.  I think that had something to do with it.  I know that if he had been sitting at home all alone reading those he would have called back trying to talk dirty and talk me into fking him.  Since James was there though he had to play his ‘Big Shit’ role.  GREAT!  So we argue back and fourth, I reminded him that I told him before that I was posting it and he didnt have a problem with it.  Then he starts asking for the URL to my diary, saying he has a right to read what I wrote about him.  I told him I wasnt giving him the URL, I didnt give a shit if he read what I wrote about him, but that there are other things in my diary that he has no business knowing.  I know that if I give him the chance to read this diary he will use it against me.  I told him I’d email him what I wrote about him…..that was before he really pissed me off.   He starts threatening me again with sending them to my mom and telling me to take this shit off of my diary.  I tried explaining that it was a diary, that was the whole point of a diary.  I WILL NOT take it off of my diary, this is MY diary, I have EVERY right to write what I please.  I write from my heart, everything in here is true, true emotions and thoughts of me.  I will not erase it just for him.  I will however have enough respect for his sorry ass to put every entry about him on private.  So only I can read it.  Not that he deserves that.  We agrue and then he goes to hang up, only he does not hang the phone all the way up.  I’m still on the line, so I listen as he calls me names and talks shit about me to James.  I hear James printing this shit and my blood starts to boil.  What a fking childish asshole.  I told him he was being childish SEVERAL times in the conversations.  Anyways, he says "That bitch pissed me off"  James says "I know"  "I’m gonna call that bitch back"  He picks up the phone and realizes he didnt hang up, so he says hello.  About that time I’ve had enough of this immature bullshit.  I’m no longer being calm and cool about it, so I start yelling at him.  "Do not call my house being an ass and threatening me and expect to get anywhere with it"  That BOY is NEVER going to grow up.  He has always been a childish little bitch and always will be.  He told me that because I wrote those entries I was two-faced.  Yeah ok……wanna talk about being two-faced asshole.  I kept my mouth shut, I was angry enough as it was.   Again he starts saying he is going to send it to mom.  While he thought he had hung up on me, I heard them talking about taking it to my house right then, James was saying he’d go knock on my front door and give it to my mom right then in his boxers, so Joseph says "Yeah, you know where she lives right?"  So, he starts this shit again and I say "What good is it going to do?" "I dunno"  "Is it going to get you the web address, NOPE, get the shit taken off, NOPE, so what good is it going to do" "I dunno"  Shortly after that he hung up on me.  I couldnt go back to sleep.  I laid there afraid of what might happen.  Will he come over and try something?  I thought about it over and over again, would he kill me for this?  How will he do it?  Shoot me in the head?  Strangle me?  Then I started thinking, ‘I have long nails, if he starts to strangle me I’ll scratch him, I know they can pull DNA from that, and his # is the last on the caller ID, surely they would know it was him’   Then I started thinking about my family.  What would happen to them?  Who would be the one to find my body laying there?  I couldnt help but hate him and cry for my family at the same time.  I wanted to call someone to talk about it, I needed to talk to someone, but I have no one.  So I laid there alone in my room, crying thinking of all the things that could happen.  This sort of thing is exactly the reason I didnt want to give him that letter.  I want him to just leave me alone.  Why does he still feel the need to make my life hell?  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!  I dont know what the hell to do.  I WILL NOT give into him or give him what he wants.  If he wants to play childish games, let him, I’m bigger than that.   Damn, I really dont know what to do.  Should I involve law enforcement some way?  Or just assume he was talking out his ass and he’s going to just let it all go?  What if he printed out several copies and hands them off to people?  James was telling him to put it in the fking newspaper.  Not that they print that shit, but still.  What the hell is the big deal?  Would any of you be that pissed off?  I dont want people in my personal every day life to know about this diary.  I dont care if you guys read it, does that make sense?  Am I justified in that?  I just want to curl up and fade away.  I wish all the bullshit would just stop.  Part of me is humiliated, well, most of me is, the rest of me is just angry.  I HATE THAT BOY!  I’m so glad that this summer, when I was sooooo very lonely and desperate and started to convince myself I wanted him back, that I did not act on that.  My heart knew that I was lying to myself, that I really didnt want him.  Thank you heart for stopping me!  I think I’m going to go now……hope I didnt bore any of you.   I now get to go dig through 200 some odd entries to find ones with him in it and put them on private.  Or maybe I shouldnt do that…….should I?