How do you get that lonely?!?!?!?!

Well, I think I was hacked.  My email at least.  I cant get into it for hell.  I’ve tried and tried, I created the account at least 3 maybe 4 years ago so I dont remember half of the information I entered to create it.  Half of it is bogus anyways just to stay somewhat secretive about who I am.  The "secret question" thing was a simple enough answer, so I gave it, STILL didnt work. I was like wtf else could it be? I KNOW that HAS to be the answer.  So this really fking sucks. 

I was thinking perhaps Mark would call Friday night.  I was wanting to hang out with him.  Had I had his number I would have called him.  But I didnt, I was keeping it on the caller ID, I should have just written it down but I didnt.  Dad went in there and deleted all my numbers so it was gone.  Anywho…around 9:45 or so….after having talked to Joseph, I decided to go to bed.  I was horny as fk but decided I would hold off and just wait until I saw joseph then cum all over him.  So I eventually pushed my horny thoughts aside long enough to fall asleep.  Around 10:30 the phone rang, It was Mark, he wanted me to come over but I was sleepy so decided against it.  We talked for about 45 minutes then I tried to fall back asleep.  Only this time the horniness was just TOO much, so I decided to play.  Play right up to the point of cumming but stopping just before I do and saving it.  I wiggled around for quite some time then decided, FK it I’m cumming…….so I did.

I got to the zoo this weekend and Barbara said Tamis nephew was sick so he wasnt going to make it, as soon as Barbara found that out she emailed Tami and said it would be great if she could still come, that way I could attend the meeting.  Well Tami shot her back an email saying she is sick as well.  Fking bitch.  If she really is sick, fine, I apologize for that comment.  But damn…..give me a fking break!  Luckily this was the last class until January.  I wish she would just fk off and let me take care of it on my own then if she does not want to help out.  I didnt attend the meeting, just stayed and helped with class.  Our second class only had 3 kids in it, 9 were signed up for it.  ::Shrugs:: time flew by and it was great fun. 

I kept froggie all day sunday.  He is great fun.  I wrapped most of my gifts in between entertaining him and trying to get him to nap.  We had a little goofy birthday party for my brother since he wanted to open his birthday present from me so bad.  Mom had made some cookie things for work so I stuck a makeshift candle in one, we sang to him and that was pretty much it.  His birthday is the 22nd.  After that Kris, mom and I were in the living room with froggie and he was trying to get us to read to him.  Then he got bored and went off to ride his little car thing…..Kris told me to start telling him his favorite book (remember I have it memorized) so I did and he got off his car and started running towards me smiling and such…..then he started looking around for his book.  He is toooooo cute.  Since I’m off on Weds I’m taking him with me to finish shopping and I plan on going to bookstores to find more of the books by the same lady that wrote that one.  I’ll read them to him there, gauge his reaction and decide if I’m going to buy it or not.  It will be great fun.

Saturday Joseph said he would try to call me later blah blah blah…..I was pissed thinking he wouldnt call since he said something about if he didnt call he would tomorrow(Sunday).  Cussing him left and right, I called him on Thursday, why did he wait till now to decide against it.  Anywho….he called, right after I had climbed into bed.  We talked, mostly argued for the better part of an hour before I got my stuff together and headed out towards his his house.  We were going to get another room.  I was silent the whole way back to town, He asked what was wrong and I said nothing.  But really there was alot wrong.  During the course of our phone conversation we got on the subject of him cheating on me…he went on to say "well if someone is always asking you if you are then they are going to go do it" I proceeded to tell him I had good reasons for having my questions and not trusting him and that anytime anyone says anything like that they are full of shit, if they didnt WANT to cheat they wouldnt.  So I was pissed that he was blaming ME for his shortcomings.  It’s not my fault at all that he cheated on me, thats ENTIRELY on his shoulders.  He made a comment about me faking it, and I said "I havent faked it since we were together that I remember"  He questioned me about that and I said something to the effect of  with the way he treated me and such I wasnt really into the sex but I did it for him……that upset him and will come back into play later on in the night.  This went back and fourth for quite sometime.  I told him that this time would HAVE to be the last time.  He does not want to be aware of the fact that there is or that this is the last time.  He would rather just not know and it just be over one day.  Anyways……he said that I must be ready for or looking for something new since I’m wanting this to be over, I confirmed that he was correct for the most part.  I told him that I wasnt really looking for someone new to fk, or a relationship, and that I had been looking for something different since our break up.  "Well theres no sense in me holding you back is there"  I agreed and he asked something else along the same lines and I confirmed that yes he was partly holding me back.  I could hear in his voice he was hurting with my words when he told me that he would just let me go and such….saying that he would never bother me again.  I told him that I didnt want him out of my life for good….just that we needed to only be friends. 

So we got back into town and had decided to try a different hotel, he goes up to check it out then comes back and again asks whats wrong.  When I tell him nothing he gets angry saying I’m lying to him and yada yada yada.  I go on to tell him that yes there is something wrong and that I was trying to avoid conflict by saying nothing.  We went to our usual hotel and he refused to get out and get a room, told me to take him home.  On the way back to his house we were arguing non stop.  Just as I turn onto his street I say "Well, I’m sorry you feel like youd rather go home" With that he started to calm down a bit, so we drove to our spot and talked for a good while.  We both explained ourselves and I started to tell him that I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with him because anytime I say something that he does not like he gets angry with me.  He told me that I should just tell people how I feel no matter what "I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, make anyone upset or have anyone hating me"  He mentioned the fact that I had faked it before just for him when I was angry and he didnt want that a

gain.  I said "So if I hadnt told you that bit of information would you be willing to go through with it"  He pretty well said yes in a round about kinda way.  After a while I started to take him home again, I pull onto his road and he says something so I say something back and stop in the middle of the road.  I told him again that this would be the last time, he goes on about how he does not want to know when the last time is.  With that I said "See anytime I say something you dont like you get angry and act like this" He somewhat shut up.  I told him I’m too fking weak, I’ve been trying to make it the last time for months.  We conversate some more and he says he does not want to go home.  I turn around and start to head back towards town.  "I’m a dumbass you know that" "Why" "Just cause"  I think he was talking about the way he acts and such.  I hate hostile environments, I hate fighting with him, I hate the way he makes me feel half the time…..I just wish I could understand it.  I kept saying "I dont understand why you act this way"  I am going to try my hardest to not give into him next year, its a resolution.