****Forever Ago****

I really would love to be here more often but with a 3 month old thats hard to do.  I barely even have time for a shower any more…….as nasty as that is, its the sad truth.

3 months……..seems like just yesterday I was looking at the wrong side of a pregnancy test, when the truth is that was almost a year ago.  Damn how time flies.  Speaking of her, she is doing great, and I will post a pic at the end so you guys can see just how big she is getting.  She still hasnt figured out the concept of rolling over, I wait patiently every day to see it happen for the first time.  She is smiling, she smiles so much and now she is starting to try to add a laugh to it and its just too precious.  I love getting that gaping wide toothless grin from her, it just melts me.  She is truly amazing and honestly, I dont remember much of a life without her.  Here I was afraid of how much my life would change and now Im so grateful for those changes.  No, I havent gotten a solid nights rest in almost a year, and while Id LOVE to have one night of uninterrupted sleep, I wouldnt trade the smile I get at 3 am for the world.  Lets see, what else, oh, teething, yep we started working on that a few weeks ago, not ready to break the surface yet but she is def showing signs of getting ready for teeth.  Ive started giving her baby food, I know they say wait till 6 months, but there are other things that say she is ready for it.  Besides, she is my child and ultimately its my choice…….I really think she is ready.  When she cries all day because she is hungry and ends up with a bottle in her mouth most of the day then I think thats a pretty good indicator that formula alone is just not doing it for her.  Speaking of which, breast feeding…..thats gone out the window.  There was a time that I could pump for 5 minutes and get 6 oz, no lie, but those days are gone.  Im lucky if I can even pull out an oz in a day.  Im bummed that I cant keep going but Im grateful I at least got to do it for a while.   Her daddy is for sure one of her fave people.  She can be cranky all day but the minute she hears his voice she smiles.  And boy oh boy does she look like him……more and more each day……all she got from me was my toes, possibly the color of my hair and eyes but thats about it, she is her father made over.  I think its cute.

So, I dunno if I mentioned I was forced to resign from my job…which has caused financial hell in our house.  I am getting unemployment now and working a few hours a week for Stephens aunt from home, plus keeping my nephew in the mornings before he goes to pre k, so Im bringing in a little money but honestly, Im lucky to break 150 a week.  So, my truck got repoed, 2 months before it was paid off.  We have 30 days to come up with 3000 for the mortgage.  Everything is in collections.  We are barely keeping the lights turned on…….its just a living freakin nightmare.  We have had one set back after another and Im really afraid we are about to finally drown.  On top of all that, Stephens employer hasnt been able to pay him in nearly 2 months.  So yeah, financially life is shit right now.

Dad is doing ok, he had a major set back as I mentioned and he still hasnt fully recovered from that.  He is back to where he was just shortly after he first woke up at the first of the year.  None of us really know whats going to happen at this point.  He was a few days shy of getting to come home for a few months but now he is stuck in what I consider a glorified nursing home.  Brooke and I go with my mom every Saturday to see him.  I hate it, it makes my stomach turn every time.  I HATE IT!!!

Other than that things are pretty much alright.  Im just not in a good place right now…….I am depressed but Im trying my best not to let it get the best of me.  I thought things were on their way up but now Ive just slid to the very far bottom.  I dont know when or how Im going to make it back up to the top.  It seems like its all over, we lost my truck, next is the house, then dad………I just, I dont know.  Im not very happy with life right now……..not very much to be happy about other than a wonderful man who loves me and watching an amazing little girl discover the world around her.

Yeah, I dont know where to go from here, how to fix all this……….

These were today, in an outfit bought by Stephens coworker.

PS I know all my other pictures are gone becuse of broken links, maybe I
 will go back and put them back in, not sure yet, gotta find the time.