Fighting myself *EDIT*

I am slowly easing back into a bad place in my life.  I dont want to spiral down again and I am trying to stop myself from doing just that. 

I blew up on the kids today, for no real reason at all.  They just wanted my attention.  I have gotten to where I dont want to be around them, I just want to be on my own, sit my ass on the couch, watch tv and be lazy.  I am TIRED of cleaning up after people, cooking for people, wiping butts, breaking up fights, trying to calm tempertantrums, not listening to what I say (don’t do that)………..keeping things in working order.

I have been doing this for 4 fking years……I am OVER IT!!  I need some damn changes!!

What do I get in return?  Not a damn thing.  I feel so used, so mistreated, so under appreciated.  I feel like nothing.  I am nothing.

I used to be someone.  I used to have purpose.  I used to feel important.  Now, Im just here, going through the motions, trying to survive the day.

My kids are great kids.  I desire to be around them, to play with them, to enjoy them.  But I dont.  I have given all I have to this family.  I feel like there is nothing left of me.

I know that I should be grateful.  I know that my children love me.  I know that they just want/need my love and attention.  I just cant find it to give.

This is the worst feeling in the world.  I am sure I am not the only SAHM/W that has ever felt this way.  I know that things will get better.  I just need a break.  Sometime to breathe.  Sometime for myself. 

Ofcourse that makes me feel guilty. 

Honestly, if all the fighting and whining and bullshit would stop, plus I got some sleep at night, and didnt have the stresses of finances etc, oh and the house cleaned itself……..Id be a much happier person.

I don’t want anything else. 

I just want to be happy again.

*EDIT*

I just need out of this house more.  I need changes.  I need to feel alive.  I need to break out of this rut, this routine.  I need things to be different.