Exploding….

Part of me says don’t be angry about these things. Part of me says he is a wonderful man and he goes above and beyond for me and I couldn’t ask for anyone better. But the rest of me says this hurts me too much and no matter how good he is to me I don’t deserve to feel this way.
Imagine how it feels to be totally unwanted by everyone, including your husband. That’s how I felt and that hurts me more than anything. I should never have to feel that way.
Why did his mom not appreciate the fact that I was determined to stick by my husband?? You know, she kept saying he would be alright, he would have family, and I tried to explain that wasn’t good enough, at least not in my book. She knows Stephen as her SON, I know him as my HUSBAND. There are things about him that I know, that she would never know. I have seen firsthand how not ok he has been the last few weeks. She hasn’t. I tried to explain that to her as well. I tried to explain that he felt like he needed to put up a front especially for his brothers, she didn’t care. She doesn’t know the conversation we had a few weeks ago, about how scared he is. About how he needed me there because I was the only one he could show his true emotions to.    SHE DOESN’T KNOW THESE THINGS!!!!
He tried to tell me if I left he would be ok. I know better. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. If he truly was ok, then tell me why he has been the way he has. Nothing about his behavior the last few weeks says he will be ok.
I am his wife and as his wife I should have that right to be there for my husband if he needs me. If it turned out he didn’t need me there at all then fine, no harm no foul. At least I was there just in case. But now I have been robbed of the just in case. Why does that not matter to anyone but me?
He picked her over me. He says he was trying to keep the peace between us, I pointed out that it was at my expense. He says he didn’t want to aggravate her any more, yet it was ok to add one more strain to our relationship? I told him time and time again I wanted to stay; I told him she didn’t even have to know I was there. I would hide out at his dads and then just be at the hospital. Not even go up and see her, just be there. Wasn’t good enough, his response “She still wants you to leave” I wonder how much of it was her wanting me to leave and how much of it was actually him?? I felt so unwanted. 
This is similar to what happened to us a few weeks back. He put her before me, his focus is solely on her never mind me and how I feel about anything. A few weeks ago he shoved me aside like I was a piece of shit and meant nothing because all he was worried about was her. History repeats itself so they say. He’s doing just that again. I told him I forgave him the first time and asked how he expects me to forgive a second time…………not even considering what he expects from me the 3rd 4th or 5th time.   How can I sit back and allow this to happen over and over again? I CAN’T! I simply cannot.   I am his wife, the mother of his precious daughter, not some piece of trash he picked up at a bar……..I deserve more respect from him than that.
Come Christmas time she can kiss my big ass. She robbed me of what I truly wanted and that was to be with my husband. So why should I do for her ever again? What makes her think she deserves that? I will NOT make it a point to go out of my way for her, I WILL NOT make it a point to suppress my feelings and go against what I want just to please her. She couldn’t do it one fking time for me……….I will never do it for her again. I want my child to wake up on Christmas morning at home, in her bed, and that’s exactly what will happen.
I’m done playing nice. I’m done. She sees this as one minor little thing, she thinks everything is better now because I’m home. She no longer has to feel obligated about my obligations. She couldn’t be any more wrong. This isn’t ONE little thing………things aren’t better.
Does she not realize the position she put Stephen in? To have to chose between his wife and his mother? Does she not realize the damage that choice has done to our already strained relationship? You know I could sit here and not punish Stephen for her selfish stupidity but on the same note, he made that choice. He’s the one who actually decided to pick a side. Maybe it’s selfish of me to get mad at him for picking her side, but just a few weeks ago he was telling me part of his problem with me is that I put my family first. That couldn’t be farther from the truth………and now here he sits doing exactly that and it’s supposed to be a ok?!?!?!?   Her little selfish act has caused more problems than need be. 
I have told him to think about a few things and get back to me with some answers. It’s been about 36 hours, still no answers. I told him to think about why I should forgive him and want him back? Because right now I don’t. I told him I don’t want him. That’s something I’ve never said before. I’ve always told him that no matter how angry I was or hurt or upset, in the back of my mind I’ve still wanted to be with him. Right now, I’m not feeling that. I’ve searched my brain and my heart and I can’t find that same feeling right now. I’m done giving second chances. I’m done. If he can’t come up with any good reasons for me to stay with him then it’s over, given the fact that I can’t think of any either.