ERs and Weddings…..

I dont even know where to begin, I really should start coming here more often.

Not this past Saturday but the one before, mom,Kris and I went to a baby shower, my cousin is expecting his first.  It was a nice visit, I got to show Brooke off to family who hadnt seen her yet.  Everyone loved her and said she was her daddy made over and naturally she slept through it all.  That Sunday Stephen and I took Brooke to visit Craig and Rachel.  It was a very nice visit, something we should do more often.

Monday Stephen had to work and the phone started ringing early.  My sister was calling to tell me dad had started to  complain of chest pains and was being taken to the hospital.  I jumped out of bed and rushed to get ready.  I had to get my elf ready plus pack a bag for Brooke and get her ready then walk up to my moms so I could ride with my sister and brother to the hospital.  I threw on the same clothes I was wearing sunday, grabbed a shit load of diapers and an entire can of formula then took off for moms.  Craig showed up later that day and I asked him to take Brooke home because the ER is no place for a newborn.  So he did, it was very sweet of him and Rachel to keep her for me.  I stayed at the hospital the next few days with mom.  Turns out it was actually just the tissues of his lungs that was causing the pain, they went ahead and did a heart cath and determined everything was as best it could be.

After an exhausting and emotional week we had a friends wedding on Saturday.  This was my moms best friends daughter, she was in my wedding, it was a nice ceremony and such.  During the father daughter dance I tried to keep myself together but I just couldnt help it.  All this shit going on with dad, he really is heading down hill it seems, plus just the fact that I was lucky enough to have my father daughter dance and that the new babies will never be able to know him as I knew him etc etc……….it was all just too much and I was grateful that she was having her moment with her father, praying she never has to go through what we are going through now.  I ended up practically running out of there and sitting on the potty in the ladies room for a good while, watching my tears splash onto the floor.  I hate this, I hate that this has happend and I wish we could go back in time.

For selfish reasons I want dad to stay here, but in all honesty, I think we are all tired of watching him suffer.  At this point we just want him to feel better and for our emotions to stop being toyed with.  He really seems to have taken a step backwards and we are all worried.  So very worried.  We started the conversation of "pre-planning" things for dad, I dunno when we will finish it, none of us really want to truly face that reality I think…….but I think we all feel like its coming………..sooner than we would like.

My phone rang again this morning at 4:30, dad was complaining of chest pains again and going to the hospital yet again……..luckily we were only there for a few hours……..they determined it was just a pulled muscle type thing around his lungs. 

We are all concerned that with his mental capacity these hospital visits might continue.  He keeps saying its his heart but then pointing towards the bottom of his rib cage.  I wonder does he even know for sure what hurts……probably not.  Can he not figure out the difference in the two??  Probably not, which means every time he has a pain in his chest cavity he is going to think its his heart.

Mom is afraid she is going to have to break down and put him in a home.  None of us want that, I watched my grandma (dads mom) suffer that cruel life……….she was miserable there and died miserably because of it.  I hated seeing her like that and I cant stand the idea of seeing my dad that way. I am so much like him its not even funny, I hate going to visit him simply because I dont want to see him in the condition he is in…….he was the same way with his mother. 

When we left him this morning at his new facility, he was sitting in his wheelchair, facing the window, looking like an empty shell of a man and my heart started to ache.  I know he is miserable, I know he is lonely, I know he is angry that this happened to him, but most of all I know his biggest fear is death………but honestly, thats all I can pray for right now……..that my father die…….simply because I never want to see him like that again.  I want him to be the man he was before, even though he made my life hell most of the time, I love him and he mens so much to me.

I miss my daddy.