Day 12

So the swelling on the brain has reduced some, but not all.  We are still waiting for him to wake up.  The doctors want him to and every morning they request that the sedation meds be turned off.  But, when they are turned off dad freaks out.  He starts to get aggravated which does him more harm than good.  It causes his blood pressure and heart rate to rise and also causes his oxidation level in his blood to become very low.  So…..the bottom line is dad needs to relax.  When he has been awake enough to respond to us he has said that he doesnt want to stay calm, which I understand why he is doing what he is doing.  This is exactly what I would expect my fathers reaction to be.

We are all growing so tired of this waiting game.  I asked him the other day when he was slightly awake if he wanted to give up and he said yes.  So the rest of that day I tried to convince him he had too much to give up on, too much waiting at home.  My mom, his 3 kids, my nephew and the new grandbaby on the way.  I know my dad thinks of each one of us as precious gifts and he doesnt want to leave us.  He said before the surgery that he wasnt ready to die…but maybe now he is.  Or maybe he is just tired of this fight, tired of the pain….which makes him think he wants to give up.  Maybe he is not seeing the future, that soon this will all be over.

We dont know if he is aware of having a stroke and being paralyzed.  None of us have told him.  But, he can hear us and it has been spoken about around his bed so maybe he has heard.  Maybe that is causing some of his frustrations.  He is upset about what he is hearing and the fact that he is going to have to live his life this way.

The doctor still doesnt think that, even with therapy, there will ever be movement on that left side again.  I am arguing that with miracles happen every day and people prove doctors wrong all the time.  I really think that if he is up for the challenge he can prove them wrong too. 

Mom is going to bring in a radio tomorrow, maybe that will help keep him calm.  I ready to slap him around a bit and tell him to get it together.  2 weeks is long enough!!

We are 3 months behind on our mortgage, come the 1st it will be 4 months.  Not to mention all the other bills we are behind on.  Stephens hours were reduced and that really set us back and we havent been able to catch up since.  Now with all this going on with my dad Ive missed nearly 2 weeks of work which means its going to be even harder to catch up at this point.  I had made arrangements with the mortgage company for payment, that was supposed to be handled on the 21st, at the time that I made the arrangements I would have been able to keep the promise I made, however I didnt know what was about to happen to my dad.  I tried to call the mortgage company but was on hold for a half hour.  Gonna try again today.  We are also behind on our vehicle notes, Im afraid they are gonna get repo’ed, hopefully not.  Especially since Im less than a year away from paying mine off.

Im feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated about it all.  I dunno what to do at this point.  I dunno if we will ever catch up.  If we could get our taxes done then that money would help A LOT.  Just waiting on Stephens W2 and my W2 from my previous asshole of a boss.  Im about to go email him and ask him about it.  Mom offered the money to at least get our mortgage caught up, but when she said "how soon could you pay me back" I said "Never"  I really dont want to borrow the money from anyone.  Im too prideful for that…..but its getting to the point where Im really desperate and thinking maybe I should start asking.  I know mom cant afford it right now though, especially not with whats going on with dad, Id feel WAY too guilty for taking it from her, so I wont.  My sister wont pay me back the $300 she owes me, apparently she disagrees with what I say she owes me.  Stupid fking cunt that she is.  But, I refuse to bring that subject up right now with whats going on with my dad.  I need to though and every day I see her at the hospital Im tempted to ask for it, but I use my better judgement, we have other more important things going on right now.  My brother just bought a plane ticket to France to visit his girlfriend in a few months once she leaves to study abroad and now he is actually overdrawn in his account.  Which is odd because he ALWAYS has money.  Im sure he would have loaned it to me if he had it though.  Im just frustrated and really worried.  Its only going to get worse when the baby comes.

Speaking of the baby, I have another appointment on the 30th.  I hope I havent screwed this child up too bad with all the emotions and stress that have been running through me as of late.  This morning on the way to the hospital traffic pissed me off.  I was trying to get over, infact I was half way in my lane half way in the lane I was trying to get into and none of the cars would let me in.  A few came close to hitting me as they were going around me to avoid letting me in.  So, I started yelling, cussing the whole 9 yards.  Mom joked that my baby was going to come out screaming….it would probably say "What the fk is your problem doctor, your fking hands are freezing"  LOL which is sad but true, it probably will be my childs first phrase.

Ugh, theres just too much going on right.  Not a great start to a new year, thats for sure!!

 

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