Come on baby make it hurt so good!

 Ok, so let’s see, I’ve just spent the better part of an hour or so reading all my faves.  I havent read any faves in nearly 2 weeks so it was about time for me to do that.  Everyone seems to be doing alright for the most part.  I myself however am not fully up to par just yet. 

I have been in a piss ass mood all week since I found out about the cam.  Last night Kris, Billy and the baby stayed at our house because they dont have cent. a/c and it was cold.  Their little space heater things dont work as well.  I walked in the door and went straight to my room, without even saying hello to my froggie!   I eventually came out to get dinner and froggie saw me so he followed, I played with him and shared my food with him.   I ended up coming outta my room and reading him his book.  Did I already tell you guys about that?  Well anywho….he loves this book.  Makes me read it to him over and over again.  At one point he started making a fussy face and yelling at me because I wouldnt read it, then he kinda threw it towards me.  So I read it and read it and read it.  I got him to sleep but as I was walking him to the room Kris was in he woke up, I dropped him off in there anyways. 

I dont think I mentioned the book before, so I will now.  Friday while Kris and I were shopping, well she was browsing, I was done shopping, I found a rack of childrens books and movies.  I was pushing froggie in the buggie so I stopped grabbed some books and started reading and singing to him.  I watched his reaction to the books if he liked them I bought them. Well I’m sitting there reading him this book that he loves so much.  It’s called Moo Baa LaLaLa, I could tell the entire story to you guys because I have it memorized already but I will spare yall. Anywho, when I finish I hear a voice “You belong on stage”  I turn and look and see this old lady watching us.  I dunno how long she was standing there enjoying my performance, but it made me feel damn good.  I smiled and said something along the lines of thanks.  Later she told me that she taught her grandson to read by the time he was 3 by doing exactly what I was doing with Justin.  I LOVE the idea of being able to shape small minds.  Knowing that how I interact with and play with Justin could affect him for the rest of his life.  I love the idea of teaching him things.   I wanted to get him all kinds of leapfrog crap for his birthday/x-mas but everyone was like “he’s too young”  So I didnt do that.  I did however buy him some CD’s and DVD’s with songs and such since he loves to dance so much.  Next year though you can bet your ass he will be getting tons of leapfrog crap.  Damn, I cant wait till I have kids and I can shape their little minds as well.   

I myself LOVE to learn,  But not from school, not forcefully.  Since I was little I have ALWAYS bugged my mom with “But Why” I always have to know more than what I know.  People give me a hard time about knowing too many “Who gives a shit” facts.  When I was dating Eric, he bought me a book that fed my desire for that sorta thing more.  While I was on my gambling trip, I was flipping channels in the room and I came across a thing on insects on the discovery channel.  I did not know that dragonflies start out in the water, sure enough, I did a bit of research and they do.  Thats how I like to learn, experience it, ask “but why” then find out on my own exactly why.  One day when a child of my own asks “mommy but why” or if Justin ever says “Why Aunt Kim” I’ll have the answer.  Learning to me is fun when I do it because I want to.  I’m not a genius by far, but I can tell you what the first toothpaste was made out of!

Ok, enough rambling bullshit.   Back to where I started, I am in a pisspoor mood.  I hope I can pull myself outta this soon.  I hate these fking cycles.  Damn Kim,it’s just a cam, you can get her other things she will like, get a fking grip and get over it already.  Easier said than done.  It’s amazing how one little occurance can pull me down so far. I need the right motivation, the right piece of rope dangled in front of my face to give me the desire to pull myself up out of this fking hole.  Just give me time.  Remember to breathe Kim.

This next part is for Jonathan.  I dunno if you still read this or not, and since I havent been updating much lately, this dream isnt as freshly burnt into my mind as it was earlier this week.  So I will give you scattered details.  I was laying in bed and you were with me.  The time span was several nights.  One night there was anger, one night nothing but love, etc you get the idea.  Well, the one night of that dream that sticks out most is the night you wanted to have sex.  There you were in all your glory plain as day, seemed quite real.  I remember being able to smell something but I dont know what the smell was.  I told you no and started to push myself away from you.  My head started to slide off the bed and my body followed more like I was melting off of the bed.  I was on the floor and I could still see you, on your knees looking over the edge of the bed with your hands outstretched from your sides as if to say “What”  Dunno what all that was about, but just thought I’d let ya know.  Anywho………miss ya! 

Well, my ass is hurting tremendously from this fking chair. Two years I’ve been at this shitty ass job, sitting on this shitty ass chair, doing this shitty ass work.  I need out of here.  I think I’m due for a raise on Friday, thats a plus for once.  ::sigh::

TATA!!