Call 911 Im choking on my pride………

So now I have to apply for medicaid because I make about 3000 too much a year for Knights Templar.  Geeze, all I want is a little cataract surgery, why does it gotta be this hard?  

My sister picked up the KT paper work for me yesterday and as I was filling it out last night I noticed the portion that list financial qualifications and knew right then that it was pointless to continue, but I did.  When I turned the papers in today I pointed it out to them and they said they would turn it in for me anyways, so Im keeping my fingers crossed.  I mentioned to them that I just got approved for this certain insurance and they said that the company will only cover my glasses afterwards, not the surgery.  So, they said my next option was Medicaid.  I sooooo have been avoiding that.  I dont want any help of any kind, Id much rather do this all on my own, but I know I cant afford it, Medicaid for me is a last resort. 

I dont want to be one of those people.  I dont want to be one of those people looked down on because of it, I know I can take care of myself, I work, I pay my bills on time, I take care of things like they should be taken care of.  Ok, so my bills arent always on time, but for the most part they are.  I just cant afford this surgery, not all at once.  If they could set up a payment schedule with me, things would be fine, but thats not an option.  IF I get accepted for Medicaid, I will stay on there until the surgery is done with and then I will get off of it.  I DONT NEED IT.  Maybe I should just forget the surgery, quit my job, stay at home and do much of nothing forever.  Since, I cant see to do anything, I cant see to drive, I have to sit right on top of the monitor to do my work, that would be perfect for me. 

IM TOO PROUD FOR THIS SHIT!!   I walked out of the Dr.s office depressed, with my head hung, on the brink of tears.  I dont want to do this, I wish I could just take care of it myself.  I need to learn that its ok to ask for help sometimes, learn to swallow my pride.  I have such a hard time doing that.  I dont like to take money from anyone.  I walked into the Medicaid office feeling ashamed of myself.  Its not like Im better than the people in that office, I just….I dont know.

Its time for my depo shot, Stephen says he will pay for it, but Im feeling odd about taking the money from him to do it.  I cannot afford it on any level right now, and he really cant either.  Again with my stupid pride.

Im feeling overwhelmed, anxious and depressed…….