A load lifted….

I’m feeling a little bit better right now.  We talked, for a while.  FINALLY!  Where did we get……….I dont know really.   But at least we talked.  Yes, there are things we need to work on but nothing beyond what I didnt know and realize al;ready.  He said hes still depressed and hasnt quite put his finger on what else is wrong with him but thats ok for now.  We can work on the things we know about for now.

Pretty much what it comes down to was him being selfish and childish.  He got it in his head that I was going to be mad at him for going to NY to be with his mom.  NEVER, EVER would I be mad about that, especially not after how great he has been for me over this last year with my dad.  He has been there for me every step of the way, sure sometimes I left him sleeping in the hotel when it would have been great to have him physically next to me, but the fact of the matter is he was still there.  Instead of coming to me and outright talking to me about it he kept it to himself and just kept getting more pissed off at me because he thought I was going to be mad…………until he decided to bascially get revenge on me.  Hence the reason he just up and left like he did……..he thought well if she wants to be a bitch like that I can be a bitch too.  I made this comment a few days ago………he NEVER talks to me, I poke and prod and try to get answers and all I get is "I dont know" this is the perfect example.  Had he just come to me and talked to me then he would have known I would NEVER be mad at him for being there……..upset yes, simply because I want to be there for him and I cant be, but NEVER mad at the fact that he is there.

As far as not talking to me today, again that was him being childish……….he was playing the game of "if shes that worried she can call me, the phone works both ways", when in all honesty, hes the one that up and left, I told him if he wanted to talk to me, since he was supposed to be taking a break from me and clearing his head, then he should be the one to call me.  And, he decided to be childish.

All in all I do feel a bit better.  Now that I know some of whats going on.  Now that I know my assumptions were correct.  Yes, I did let my mind take over and start to wonder and got a bit carrried away at times.  But all in all I had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

I am hurt, hurt beyond belief, more so than ever before.  I told him that I dont know how easy it is going to be for me to get past this………that I would never dream of him being this way, or of myself doing the same to him for that matter.  That the problems we are having are not enough to warrant this type of behavior.  But the fact of the matter is I do love him, I do want to make this work and I am going to try my best to completely forgive him.  I told him he really needs to start communicating with me, that we will never survive if he doesnt.  I told him not to expect me to ever go through this again because I dont deserve it.  Most importantly, Brooke doesnt deserve it.  I told him that I think he was being selfish and only thinking about himself when he acted the way he did.  That I’m not just some random girlffriend that he can push aside like that, I am his wife and the mother of his child.  I told him that not only do his actions affect me and him and our relationship but Brooke as well.

Hopefully things will be moving uphill from here and we can get things sorted out and start making some changes.  There needs to be changes coming from both sides.  If we cant do it on our own then perhaps we will look into counseling.

For now though I am finally going to go get some sleep……..and I want to sincerly thank you all for your notes and words of encouragement throughtout this whole little saga.  I will make it a point to respond to each one of you individually.  I will!!

Good night and sweet dreams.