Not Christmas

I had a crazy Christmas, but I am not going to write about that yet.

This entry is for me, to remember. I just read a blog entry where a lady was documenting the birth of her daughter, who she then learned was a down syndrome baby.

One line resonated with me, which is my biggest, and almost only reason I am sad, why I grieve for my Anna having autism. And it has nothing to do with Anna really, it is all about my Ella, and what she may have lost as a sister.

“I hadn’t even thought about how this would impact Lainey…what she would think…how her life would be different…how every beautiful vision I had of two sisters growing up together, grown-up phone calls, advice-giving, cooking together, shopping…everything would be different. Numbness started leaving my heart and sheer pain started settling in.”

I always thought of my darling daughters, only 15 months apart…being such close friends. Learning together, playing together. Fighting as only sisters can. Making my life hell in their teen years, maybe rooming together at college. Friends and confidantes through all the hardships life throws at us.

And I know that it’s early days, and I know that anything can happen at this stage. But this is my biggest reason for the tears that I fight when it gets hard. Ella already has a hard time understanding why Anna won’t play with her, why Anna just doesn’t pay attention. It hurts knowing that she could have this to deal with her whole life, having a sister but not that sister that I wanted for her.

She won’t know any different, and I hope I move on from this. But for now, it still hurts.