Becoming vulnerable *E

vul·ner·a·ble [ pronounced vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]: 

capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body; open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery; (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

You Know I’ve watched television shows about change and the process that people go through to change like that one show that comes on or used to come on in the daytime with Iyanla Vanzant I can never remember the name of that show I think it was called starting over or something like that. Anyways on this show it was amazing to watch the transformation of the women that came to this house. They would really let go of the past and move toward the future. I loved watching that show much! I mean I would cry with them, laugh with them and celebrate their triumphs with them at home and there were alot of women that had to become vulnerable.

And watching that show I never really identified with it until now. These women had to take their walls down. Whether it be walls of doubt, walls of denial, walls of insecurity, walls of emotional callouses and they would emerge as beautiful butterflies in the end but the process could be grueling. Which brings me to more revelation. Truth Finder knows how I feel about revelation so we can celebrate together girl LOL! Anyway, I had to work a 12 hour shift at work yesterday because of some phone lines going down and getting them back functional until the ATT technicician got here. And last night my DD had cheerleading practice. Well because I got off late I had to have DH take her to practice and I picked her up when I got home. And when I picked her up she asked me, " ma why do you have to stay so late at work sometimes?" So i proceeded to explain it to her but there is still a hardness about the way that I address her. So after I explain this I think about it. And she’s not offended or anything I didn’t snap on her or anything it’s just that my tone is more authoratative than conversational with her and my son as well for that matter. So we get home and it’s so late that we only have time to eat dinner which DH cooked bless his heart take a shower and get ready for bed. Well DD had a hard time understanding her homework and she would call me at work for help but I was so busy I couldn’t talk on the phone so I told her I would help her when I got home. Little did I know I wouldn’t be home until bedtime so not only did we not have our talk we didn’t get to do homework either. So I called my girls and we had our conference call and I basically explained my deliverance and revelation ( the only people that knew where DH, copastor and yall lol). And in the midst of explaining, I began to ask myself HOW do I take down my wall and not be soooo authoratative that she can open up to me? One of my sisters told me to try thinking of when I was a kid how would I have wanted my mom to talk to me. But what’s so funny about that is, Although this all is a revelation to me it really honest to God is a shocker to me. I never really THOUGHT that I had unforgiveness in my heart. I mean even with my mom not being there as a child. I didn’t miss her. I had a wonderful childhood and so many people in my life and I honestly cannot remember or even think of a time when I WANTED my mom to be there. So trying to visualize as a child what I would’ve wanted my mom to say to me I came up with NOTHING.

But I remember a year and a half ago going into prayer and God telling me that something happened to me as a child that I have pushed so far out of my mind and blocked it so deep I to this day don’t even know it exists but that he was going to bring it up to be dealt with. And thinking about this while I was talking to my girls I can remember having a conversation that I had with one of my aunts about my childhood because there really is ALOT of my childhood that I just don’t remember.See my aunt hated my mother, and I never understood why until she told me the day that we had to make arrangements for her funeral.******E My aunt came with me to her house to pack her belongings and she just broke down crying. She said you know why I hated your mother so much? Because of what she did to you. I had to hold you in my arms when you cried because she said she was coming to pick you up on the weekends and you put on your sunday best and waitied on the porch for her from sun up to sun down crying because she broke her promises to you. I had to cheer you up when she moved out of state to marry a man she barely knew why you were asking why did my mommy leave me…. I had to deal with all that I from those days forth I hated her. Not disliked Nikki, I hated her with a passion. And she is a christian! But i completely understand her anger but I swear on everything I love I don’t remember any of that E*******. I asked her, "how was I as a child?" And she hesitated to tell me but she said I was bad. She said I used to do stuff that was sinister and when they would ask me why I did it I would have no idea what they were talking about. She was like you would hurt people and it wouldn’t affect you at all as a matter of fact when we’d ask you why you did it you would like at us like we were 10 karat crazy. I do remember as a child adults always asking me stuff and my favorite answer was i dunno lol. But this also brought back a memory as a teenager my grandmother and my father put me in counseling because they felt that they couldn’t control me although i don’t really think I did anything other than a normal hard headed teenager would do. Staying out later than curfew, having attitude and mood swings and taking up the phone time lol. But I distinctly remember one day my grandma was going off on me because of something I did.. I can’t remember what and she looked me in my eyes and yelled " you just a demon!" That shocked me so bad I cried because she said that.

Okay so back to vulnerability. Back to my conversation I’m wondering how do I soften my self for my baby? She is very prissy and she is the TOTAL opposite of me. She loves a nuturing heart and that is why she clings to DH. He has it in him. So my dilema was how do I began to talk to her as if she is a person with out becoming a doormat or a soft parent that lets their kids run all over them. And it HIT ME! The reason I am so firm with my babies is because that is how my father ALWAYS ALWAYS talked to me! There was never a why this and why that. You’ll do what I say to do when I say to do it and if you ask me a question about it you might get popped lol. And what’s amazing is that it took me becoming a grownup to actually SEE how my father’s personality is. I always wondered why he had soooo many friends and why people just clung to him and once I became a grownup and I got to see a side of him that wasn’t just ‘DADDY’ you do what your told and all that other blah blah, I realized that my daddy is a hoot. He’s silly, he’s outgoing, he’s fun to be around, and he has an infectious laugh! So now I know him because he softened up to me after I was grown but I don’t want that to be the case with my kids, and obviously God doesn’t want that to be the case either. I remember asking God to help me be a better mother and wife and I know that is what he’s d

oing.

So in light of all this I have a victory report: Because we couldn’t finish homework last night when I got up this morning I prayed with DH and got the kids up a little early and had DD go get her homework so that we could work on it. Well she has problems with math and she has this thing where when she can’t get something or when it doesn’t make sense instead of her speaking up she starts to shake and cry. It’s like her defense. Well when she does that it really makes me mad because I just want her to tell me the problem instead of crying like I’m hurting her feelings or something. So we do the work and there is a concept that she can’t understand and I’m trying to explain it then she starts to cry. This makes me mad so I start to show it in my tone (authorative remember). So I walk away go to my room and pray cause I see myself getting mad. Then I come back into the room and I try it in a softer tone. This helps./ And the whole time I’m talking to her I’m trying out this ‘conversational’ tone. It felt weird but I accomplished it and I was sooooo proud of myself.

I talked to DH later in the day and he said he could tell that I was really trying to soften up my tone. He said "After you came back from the room you were really trying to soften your tone, you still need some work but you did really good I was surprised myself, but I’m proud of you" lol

I know to some of you that had relationships withyour parents this sounds stupid and elementary but to me this is a major milestone and what the heck it’s my diary so I’m gonna write it lol!

I do thank you for your support though.

~He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.~

Proverbs 25:28

‘I grew up penecostal and I now attend an apostolic church, but I have long ago taken off the denominational boundaries. I’m sick of religion and tradition. I’m more concerned about relationship with God through Jesus Christ.’

~me

capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body; open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery; (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.