This Life

Maybe taking on a roommate was a bad idea. I don’t know. I’ve lived by myself for more than a year now, and the privacy was almost intoxicating, and at times, lonely. I don’t think this does anything to cure my loneliness, I’ve never been all that good at opening up to men, especially men that are more emotionally crippled than I am.

I need a female friend. I always had close female friends growing up, so much easier to talk to, and open up to. Somewhere that all faded. Among the drug use, the 5 year failed relationship, and my own reclusive personality, I’ve lost track of many of those friends. I have no one to call up in the middle of the night to explain how I’m losing it, how I every time I drive home late at night I just want to keep driving. Where? I don’t know, anywhere, Kentucky to see my mom, Idaho to see my grandmother. No, that’s not right, what I really want to do is disappear for a month. Hmm, no financing, and I would most definitely lose my car, because I would end up being so far behind on my car payments.

I was thinking today of all the things I would tell myself if I had a time machine.  I made a list in my head of all the things I would tell a younger me.  Don’t go work for your uncle that last summer after high school.  Never do any drugs aside from pot or ecstasy.  Never take more than one ecstasy pill.  Find a way to go to college directly out of high school, even if you wind up in debt up to your ears in student loans, it will be worth it.  Whatever you do, don’t let that girl get away.  You know you love her now, but you think you can experiment and meet and experience other people, but YOU WILL LOSE HER, and you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had not.

I say pot or ecstasy, because those are the two drugs that once I got to a certain age I realized, it’s time to grow up, you shouldn’t do these anymore.  If only opiates were so easy.  This is not the life you wanted, this is not the life you planned to have or wanted to have.  You would give anything to have any life that is not this one.  The prison of addiction is just that, shackles and chains and bars.  I am trapped in an endless cycle that will never improve so long as I depend on a chemical to make it through the day.

I went to a rehab center a few months ago.  They put me in a detox unit and I had to get up and go to scheduled meetings all day.  The last day there I felt great, ready to face the world again.  The next day I felt terrible, like I was back in those bad withdrawals.  What the hell where they giving me?  Eff this, go get some drugs, at least you won’t be living in this misery.  You are going to see a movie with your friends tonight, you won’t make it like this.  Yeah, lets go get that stuff.  What a miserable existence, a miserable disease that lies to you at every corner, action, or thought.

Just leave, it doesn’t matter what the consequences are, just disappear for a month and get rid of this miserable addiction.  Drive as far away as you can get and find a hotel that will let you stay for a few weeks.  Anything is better, any way is better.  Better than being addicted, better than being alone, better than being miserable, better than being an asshole, better than feeling tired, better than wishing, better than planning, better than never keeping your word, better than not paying your bills, better than living in this eternal hell of an existence.  Better than wondering if you will ever find it bad enough to want to end it, and realizing your too much of a coward to do it.  Just keep living, keep planning, keep holding on to whatever threads of hope you have left.  Just live.