Making Amends

I sent my ex-girlfriend some money.

I’m not sure why.  I mean, I have an idea, but I’m not sure exactly.

We haven’t spoken in many years.  To hear her tell it, she has been in a mentally abusive and controlling relationship with someone who controlled who she could speak to and to some extent what she was allowed to do.  From his stand point she is crazy and though I don’t know the details, has done enough crazy to get a restraining order against her.  Knowing her as I did in the past, I would say it could go either way.  My best guess is there is some truth to both sides of the story.  She contacted me last week after she was apparently ejected from her house.

So why did I give her money?

She didn’t ask for it.  I don’t know why that is a good reason, but it checks some imaginary box in my head.  I also harbor some small amount of regret, or perhaps shame for the path our relationship took.  I don’t mean I wish we hadn’t broken up; I think that was the best decision I, and possibly her, ever made.  Our relationship was one born of rebounds and addictions, and addiction was a common theme.  I was certainly not my best self.  At best, I was a liar and a thief, at worst, probably a manipulator.  I’m not the physical type, I have never been willfully abusive but I think when it comes to addiction and relationships there is a fair amount of mental abuse on both sides, intentional or not.

I’m a believer in the almighty.  You might have heard him described as God in some circles, Heavenly Father in others.  I believe in scripture and the power of the written word.  In the bible, there is a verse in Matthew chapter 25:40 “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

I won’t go into the details surrounding that passage, but the message is pretty straightforward; serve your fellow man, no matter who they are.  It takes more than a phrase to describe what the savior did for me, has done for me, and continues to do for me, but if I can pay it forward in some small way, I feel it is my duty.

Why does any of this matter?  Well, she asked me to send more.  Its a trivial amount; by this Friday I won’t even notice it gone.  Part of me hoped she wouldn’t ask for more, but the realist in me knew it was a high possibility once I offered to help once.  I just wanted her to relieve me of the responsibility of saying “no” by not asking.  What is the limit?  At what point does it cease to be helpful and turn into enabling?  What am I enabling?  I have no idea, as far as I can tell she has been sober longer than me.  That doesn’t mean she is not still a manipulative person with mental stability issues, but I have no definitive proof of that.  I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for old times sake, for a sense of redemption, and because I think it’s important to help others.

I’ve all but decided this already.  It’s such a trivial amount I will send it but with the caveat that there will be no more forthcoming.  Does this make me a good person, does this make me think I’m a good person?  I don’t know.  I try to maintain a moral compass that points north, though my efforts are not perfect.  I can feel rambling coming on, time to sign out.

Help those in need when you can, but don’t overdue it.  Help can just as easily become a curse if the wrong help is offered.