Can I Right Past Wrongs?

So here I am, sitting in my car on Christmas day, wondering how to get away from myself. Recently, I discovered my ex girlfriend is getting a divorce. We initially starting dating when I was 15. Fifteen years ago, and my heart still skips a beat when I see her picture. The last time we spoke on a social basis was about 10 years ago, and I was content to be a rebound. I was also a drug addict, I might as well have been taking heroin. Yes, it was that bad. I’ve heard you never lose those feelings for your first love. Can this be possible, is there any chance she still harbors those feelings somewhere? I’ve felt so disconnected for what feels like all my life. When I was 20 I allowed myself to get caught up in this whirlwind of addiction and its never let up, until now. I’ve been feeding my addiction through doctor controlled Rx’s which are intended to bring an addict from the point of addiction to the point of recovery. This has never proven effective. The Dr’s are content to let you work at your own pace, and if that pace is a reduction every 6 months, then so be it. Even if they ever did force you off of the substitute, it takes very little effort to find another Dr more than willing to invite you, your wallet, and your insurance company into their practice.

So here I am, coasting through my life, waiting for a reason to quit on my own. Then something happens, I see my mom graduate from college. The experience hits me so hard all I can think of is how much I want that recognition, how much pride I would feel if I could do the same thing. I mentioned the idea to my mother and she makes it sound much easier than I would have anticipated to make the same achievement. After all, I’m not married, I’ve done my best to avoid having any children, and for all the happiness I’ve missed, I am certainly free to live my life as I please devoid of any serious attachments. So that’s the plan, get your shit together and go to school.

I had to wait for my mom to finish, because I decided I should just go live with her when she gets finished for sure (still had to finish a few classes after walking across the graduation stage.)  So she finishes school, serious talks begin, and I’ve decided that I have had enough, no more drugs.  If life were only so simple.  I started by reducing my daily dose every day, until it was down to nearly nothing.  For the past three days I’ve only taken the most minimal amount, after pushing myself as far as I could go without taking anything.  For those of you that have never had an opiate addiction, this is a huge milestone.

So how does this all tie together?  Exactly one week from today, my brother comes to my house, talks me into running out for a bite to eat, and casually lets slip that the love of my life, my high school fling, the one who got away…the one I let slip through my fingers through every fault of my own, is not happy.  She is moving in with her sister, and getting a divorce.  In addition, she is moving back to within driving distance, from 4 hours away to a mere 30 minutes or less.  Is the universe reaching out to me and telling me it’s not over?  That it’s never over until you roll up your sleeves and say I quit, I give up, it’s no use?  For years I have thought of her week after week, month after month, never thinking even once that she would end up being unhappy.  I met the guy, he seems decent enough, and it’s not like her judgement is greatly impaired.  I will admit, she has fallen for some guys with a few issues, but mostly decent enough, and I don’t think she would agree to get married without being fairly certain she was with someone who would make her happy.

"Spend all your life waiting, for that second chance.  For a break that would make it okay."  Lyrics.  Lyrics always speak to me, sometimes subtley, sometimes quite loudly.  Is this my second chance?  I mean, of course this would technically be number three, but I was 15 the first time, a kid, very unwise to my feelings, and how the world of love and relationships worked.  Can anyone blame a kid for not knowing his high school girlfriend was the one?  The one he would remember and want for the rest of his life?  I hope not.

But…ahh yes, always "but".  Can she forgive me?  Those few weeks of fun, when I was loaded up on opiates and she was just happy to have me to keep her mind off her recent break up.  It might have worked, however bumpy, but I was broken.  I’ve never really had a huge issue with cocaine, but I seem to remember the last time I spoke to her, I told her that’s what I had been doing.  Why would I do that?  It doesn’t really matter now, what does matter, will she forgive the indiscretion?  I know it seems like we are two totally different people now, and perhaps we are, but what she doesn’t know is that in my last relationship, I was everything she would have wanted, and nothing my girlfriend at the time wanted.  Trying to make up for what I lost?  Sure, just with the wrong woman.  And her, well, she’s still as care free as ever, if a little colder maybe, but who can blame her, every man she’s ever given her heart to has let her down.  Including me.  What make me ready now?  Am I wiser, more mature, better able to deal?  Yes to all of the above, but am I what she deserves?  The only way I know to find out, is to try.

So here I am, alone in a two bedroom apartment (didn’t want one of my relatives to find me in a puddle of tears sitting in my running car), with a little laptop attached to a giant TV, a dog that sheds too much, and some very soft music to keep the mood level.  The very first night I was given the news that she was close, I put some head phones in my ears and walked out the door.  I ran, and I walked, as far as my feet would carry me…within reason.  I felt so alive, like the universe had come full circle, like if I didn’t do something to at least attempt to prepare myself, I would be lost forever in a cloud of uncertainty and regret.  So that is my routine, run, every day, until my chance is opened to me.  Run, until I see her, until she finds me, or until I feel fully prepared to speak to her.  The preference being there is no trace of drugs in my daily life, not even minutely; and I am at least physically fit enough to feel like I am no longer too lazy to care for myself and my future.  Sound simple enough?  Maybe it is, I’ll find out soon enough.

Ohh yes, and I’ve decided to find a way to go to school locally, just in case there is a chance.  How hopeless of me.

Hopelessly Romantic,

Mr. Nicholas