well, here comes this train wreck of brain thoughts

Well, this is my first entry. I wanted a safe space to express my thoughts in my mind. Anyway, im really sick right now. its actually quite annoying. I have a wedding to be in this weekend and i have no choice but to be better because im not about to ruin my cousins wedding. I also am concerned I complain a lot, so i think this open diary will be a good place for me to complain, instead of being a downer around my friends. im all over the place, as this is how my mind moves and its terribly frustrating. Ive wanted my mind to slow down for awhile now. but nothing seems to help, and being sick is giving my like a brain fever thats making it go faster. I also shouldnt be typing, im in school for massage therapy and i think i jammed my right index finger. it hurts to type, but it hurts less than physically writing. Ive been dealing with a change in my medication as well. im not entirely sure thats part of the problem or not. Either way, i think this is going to be a good thing for me to express my thoughts and feelings without complaining to my friends. I think im a chronic complainer and i know how i feel when someone is constantly complaining to me… i just dont want to talk to them. but how is that any different than when i sit here and complain to my friends. im sure it makes them not want to be around me as much. my therapist always says “wheres the evidence” which i mean i technically have no evidence that my friends dont want to be around me due to my constant complaining but at the same time i have serious paranoia episodes. its quite annoying actually. I dont think there is a proper way to journal or write in a diary and so im sure this is going to be a bumpy ride if it will be a ride at all. I dont tend to stick to things, my brain likes constant new things, which is also problematic but thats something i should definitely work on with my therapist. shes cool, shes relatable and she calls me on my shit, which i do genuinely appreciate even though i get frustrated being called out.    okay ill be back, maybe who knows, i suppose time will tell if i like writing my thoughts (: