rambling

so i talked to my doctor today as well and we are switching my meds up which should be okay hopefully it will make me less anxious and depressed. i did some studying which is good. i need to know the stuff im going to school for. i dont want to study anymore but i really do need to. i started taking practice questions, even though i still have a year left of school. i also think i made the bf nervous, i told him about one of my old friends and we dont exactly have a past but we kinda do, idk its alot to think about. i was excited talking about him and well that seemed to make the bf nervous and rightfully so, if the bf did was telling me a story about his lady friend he was excited about seeing and he was going on about how excited he was i can imagine how that would have made me feel. i did apologize to him and we will see what he says, i know he trusts me i just happen to be the biggest ball of anxiety ever.  encanto is on right now which is nice, the music is really good and nice to listen to, im super bored out of my mind right now, which is honestly why im here, i also just cant bring myself to study anymore, ive been lowkey studying for 4 hours and i need a fricking break from it. ahhhhh and were getting closer to my cousins wedding, i can only imagine how excited and nervous she is. oh also, today has been a bit different, im trying really hard to love myself/futureself but im also trying to not let my thoughts cripple me like they have in the past. kate ignored me again but like when she came to visit imm like whatever, and i let myself be mad without like trying to change what happened and then last night when the bestfriend tried to pressure me into playing a game i didnt want to play i stuck to what i said and i didnt care if she would be mad at me and if she would have been mad at me it would have been her problem. and normally i would panic and be like yeah sure lets play whatever is going to make everyone happy but i am so tired of being a people pleaser. i am so so so tired of it and i cannot wait to be out of that phase in my life. i think i need to start doing some research on that. how to not people please. i think it will help me out so much. i also think i need to read the book “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” again, its honestly been so helpful for me but for whatever reason i always forget the things from that book that help me. so i think reading it again or well listening to it again will help me alot. encanto is making me kinda sad, seeing maribel be pretty left out it hurts, i think almost everyone knows what the feels like. i also realized sitting here and listening to this movie and my own thoughts that i am addicted to my sadness. like i am a completely different person now and its scary that im not the same sad depressed person i was a year ago or 4 years ago or 10 years ago. its insane how fast my thoughts come out. i think part of me enjoys hearing myself talk, but this way i dont have to annoy anyone else with my consistent rambling.  well its been 10 minutes and the boyfriend has not texted me back and now i am really upset and getting nervous, i mean if he doesnt want me to go, i will respect that wish because i can imagine how uncomfortable i made him. you know, i think talking in here could be a good thing and a bad thing. im excited that i have a place to run to put all my thoughts out loud but im nervous that ill start to steer clear of communicating with my loved ones. well, in the midst of this, the bf got back to the message and said if there was no like romance or sexual anything involved hes not worried, and like, god this sounds so mean but like i am embarrassed of how unattractive this friend of mine is that i slept with once, like. i dont want any of my current friends to meet him which honestly sounds so pathetically shallow of me if im being honest. like that is genuinely so so so sad of me but that doesnt even matter because the bf doesnt want to meet him, just wants to know when and where we will be hanging out, im having a bit of an anxiety attack actually so im trying to calm down but its fine, this is like the longest entry ever, if only i had this motivation when doing school work or literally any project ever. okay, everything is all good. jeez how did i keep all this in my head all the time and it seemed so stressful. anyway ive been typing this for nearly 40 minutes on and off being consistently distracted by encanto, so im gonna go now. this has been nice.