Poodle Tricks: My Confession(part 2)

My grandmother was visiting from out of town so I invited my girlfriend over to meet her. My girlfriend and I sat on the couch across the room from my grandmother and the stage was set for the debut of the Poodle Follies. My grandmother was a great storyteller. Her eyes would focus faraway and she painted her story with words that drew the listener deep into the narrative. Shy, naive girlfriend wanted to make a good impression so she listened intently to the tale. The poodles entered stage left.

We began with the warm up tosses. First the slalom; where I rolled a piece down my leg and launched from my foot. Then the bounce from the coffee table and of course the bank shot off of the velvet ‘Dogs playing Poker’ picture. The poodles were performing perfectly. They executed the double snag, leaping high in the air, each chomping a popcorn in a synchronized move that would be the envy of ice skating teams the world over. My girlfriend took notice of what was happening and struggled to keep a straight face while trying to concentrate on my grandmother’s story. She elbowed me in the side and whispered, “Stop it!” But, as we in entertainment say, the show must go on!

Fate lent a hand as an unexpected volunteer appeared from the audience. Our Siamese cat sauntered across the living room carpet on the way to his food bowl. As he passed my grandmother he decided to see if her leg was a worthy rubbing post so he turned and faced her. This meant that his other end was facing me and since his tail was raised I noticed an interesting target, directly below the tail(I think you know what I’m talking about) for my next toss. I let fly with a bullet fast launch. The popcorn missile hit dead center with the snarling poodles in hot pursuit. I often wonder what went through the cat’s mind as he felt first the thump of the popcorn followed by two wet noses as they crashed into his keyster. He leapt high into the air and ran squalling back down the hall to seek shelter under the first bed he could find. He never was the same after that and took no pride in the fact that he was part of the world’s first poodle induced prostate exam.

Now it was time for the grand finale’. As my girlfriend again whispered her plea for me to stop, I tilted my head back and inserted a piece of popcorn into each nostril. The poodles took their marks and waited with wiggling anticipation. Adjusting my head tilt until I found the right trajectory, I took a deep breath. This was the moment that we had been practicing hard for. I snorted through my nose with great effort and the two popcorns flew out. I have to admit that I blew a bit harder than in rehearsal, but the poodles adjusted like pros. As the popcorns soared in a beautiful rainbow arc, the poodles leapt high into the air, and criss-crossed in unisom, each snagging their prize and landing in a perfect four-point stance. 

This event unfolded just as my grandmother was finishing her story about the recent passing of one of her acquaintances, and as she looked for some sympathetic pampering, my girlfriend burst out laughing. Grandma was not amused.

Sadly, that was the last live performance for me and the poodles. We just couldn’t get any gigs. I sent a tape to Jiffy Pop Popcorn, but they never called. Neither did my girlfriend after that day.

I guess that I just have to be content with the memories of our time in the spotlight. But, there are times that I can’t help but wonder how far we would have went if we had added pogo sticks and pyrotechnics to the act. I mean hey, if Carrot Top can make it in Vegas…who knows?

Take care.