Damn it

I was suppose to get up yesterday and go to the department of social services and social security office. Then onto dialysis to get my treatment. I got up took Dee to school at the community college. On the way back home I was sick dry heaving and nauseous. I got home and laid down to try and get myself together. I woke at 11:00 am and had to get ready for my treatment. I got there and about 3 and 1/2 hours into to treatment my blood pressure dropped causing me to get sick and light headed. I asked to be taken off treatment early and drove home praying the whole way to keep my focus as I struggled with the strong desire to pull over and call someone to come take me home. I get home and slowly drag myself up the flight of stairs to my room. I called Dee to come in and make me a sandwich to try and put something on my stomach. He did and was very caring and attentive. I fell asleep until 10:00 pm, I woke and felt better. I made something to eat and Kay came upstairs to talk with me for a while. She was explaining her day and then the boyfriend came in from being out drinking at the sports bar with his friend. He was tipsy and immediately came in and asked Kay what was she going to do? He asked her was she finished doing what she came into our room to do because he wanted to get undressed and get in the bed. I told Kay to “Remember your birthday.” This is our code for go to your room because the boyfriend is tipsy and nothing he says is going to make sense or be of any concern to her. She went to her room. The boyfriend proceeded to go into a rant about how he is not going to work at any of the food processing plants in our area. If you are following my post you know that I am in dire financial straits currently due to the fact I was diagnosed with End stage renal disease late last August and have only been able to work part time, my mother passed and we had been splitting all the bills. My sister and her boyfriend who also lived in the house stepped up and began covering the bills I could not. The boyfriend and I had broken up briefly from September until Halloween after I told him to leave. The reason I asked him to leave was because when I got sick I was in the hospital from August 5th to August 24th the boyfriend came to see me one time on August 7th for about 1 hour and never came to see me again. He works for the same company that I do and only had to  work part time at best 12 hours a week. He still managed to go out with his friend to the sports bars and get drunk and even call me mumbling and incoherent or pocket dial my number, giving me a glance into his locker room conversation with his friend. Upon my discharge from the hospital he made me feel very unattractive constantly referring to how much weight I had lost. 6 days later my Mom died in our home in my arms. I was screaming for him to come down stairs and help me when I found her. He never showed until after my sister, daughter, and the EMS and police arrived. He then left the house before the police could get all the information needed for the report. He stayed gone the entire day. I was a wreck and he still was not there to help or support me. After getting everything done for the funeral, he did attend the church services with me but left me again before we went to the grave site to actually bury her. For me that was the end I was so upset and hurt by the loss of my mother, and his obvious actions that he had not a single care for me and what I was going through. I asked him if he had somewhere to go and how long it would take him to find somewhere else to stay. With out any real objection he left that day and and by the next day had taken all his belongings. The next 6 weeks we would see each other at work and he would not even speak to me like I was no one. 5 years and so much I had done and sacrificed for him, I was nothing to him that fast. The very job he had was because of me. Anyway I went through a series of set backs and a period of deep grief over the loss of my Mom. On Halloween I reached out to him to say Happy Birthday, he began texting me the entire day. Calling as he got drunker through out the day his calls began to fall into the what are you doing? Do you want to come over phase. I am not going to lie. I was lonely and horny and had been extremely self-conscious about meeting anyone new. This was  mostly due to the fact I now have a port coming out of my chest above my right breast. I can not hide my illness from people and I would not be comfortable trying to date with so much going on. It was just easier to get back with him, someone who knew me prior to all this change. We ended up getting back together and he moved back into our home. Prior to all the changes he had not been paying any bills in our home, mostly due to the fact Mom and I had everything covered and he would fill in where there was lack in things like gas, groceries, any repairs in the house or on the cars. He also is a clean freak, and sex was adequate for the most part. We were never a good relationship. We never go out together. Our entire relationship is we live together go to the grocery store, and work together but outside of that there is nothing. He spends 3 nights a week with his friend that I know for certain is cheating on his wife while they are out. I am confronted with the reality as I write this that I have been an absolute idiot. He has never wanted to be with me. I was just a free ride to have a roof over his head and I made it very easy for him to be a gigolo. Well that whole back story was way to long and probably hard to follow but back to last night. He came in upset. Apparently my sister and her boyfriend questioned him about why he was not trying to go work at the hog processing plant nearby. His brother is currently out there and has some pull to get him hired. Transportation is not an issue because there are van services that run people to and from work for all shifts.  My sister and her boyfriend and his sister have decided they are moving out by May and at that time I will have to figure out how to pay the bills at our current home or move. If my boyfriend would get a better job he could finally step up and help pay the bills and we could either move or stay comfortably. I just do not have the income on my own any longer and I am still waiting on approval for disability benefits. He began bringing up how no one was worried about him when I put  him out. I reiterated to him that I did not put him out for nothing, and listed all the things I listed above. He was drunk so there was no real reasoning with him. My Grandmother used to always  say drunks, fools, and children always speak the truth. So I asked him what is he trying to get at? Did he want to be with me? He told me he did not know and that I need to focus on me and my kids and I don’t need to worry about what he is going to do. I was like okay well that to me is I do not want to be bothered with all the problems you have and I do not want to be responsible to help you and I’m going to only be worried about myself. That’s how I took it. He eventually went to sleep and needless to say I tossed and turned all night, angry confused regretful for wasting time and money on this man that has always only been looking out for him self the entire 5 years we have been together. I expect he will be making plans to leave again before the shit hits the fan and I get evicted. I was so  stupid to believe all the lies he told me about how we were going to be okay once he gets his car wash business started and that we were going to go looking for a new place soon. He said he would make more time for us to be together and have fun. All that was just pillow talk to keep me looking through my rose colored glasses, and to protect his living situation until he can line something better up. I have always been an idiot when it comes to relationships. I got a bad  picker. I pick the worst guys. I am a true II Timothy woman. A gullible woman enabling godless men. I have never in my adult life been in a relationship with someone who was willing to give as much as I am. I am aware that these faults are my own. I settle and compromise and blindly accept when I know I should not. I did not want to go through all the things I am going through alone. I convince myself that I could at least, have the comfort of someone to hold me at night, someone to satisfy my needs from time to time. I just keep loosing and I wanted to hold onto that one thing, because its like any addiction it was filling a void in my life. Now while things are getting worse I have to place break up on that plate too. I have no idea how long it will take him to leave and I honestly do not have the fight in me to push him back out and just get it over with like a band aid. I’m scared of the depression that comes over me when I am all alone. The anger I get knowing he is going to be out there not even worried or even caring about me like I was nothing. The shame of letting all this come to pass in the first place.  I know I have always been stupid when it comes to affairs of the heart. I am too ashamed to admit on here all the money I have wasted on this man. I am ashamed that I can not demand better from someone who is suppose to love me. I let him lie to me that he love me because I am weak and lack the will to really believe I deserve better. What the hell is wrong with me. I can look at myself and see the mistakes I am making and have made and I just can’t bring myself to choose me over all else. I can not make myself cut out the things that are no good for me because the loss only magnifies and multiplies all the other bad things I am experiencing. I want to be happy I want to be happier. I do not want to keep lying to myself and cheating myself. It’s kind of like my smoking addiction. I really want to quit smoking cigarettes, I know they are really bad for my health but I can’t bring myself to the point where I am ready to deal with the withdrawal, the depression, anger, emotional havoc to get over the addiction.  Damn It !