Missing You Comes In Waves…

… and tonight I’m drowning…

I want to be happy… but I don’t know how to fix myself.

I’ve learned to sit with my feelings and hurt for a while and then move on when they are over, but lately it seems like there are too many and I’m not better off than months ago. I never know what each day is going to be like.

Why can’t I just be happy?

5 years ago today we had the memorial celebration of life for my dad. He died March 2018 from small cell lung cancer.

In a few days it’ll be the 4 year anniversary of my mom passing. She died in June 2019 from kidney issues and alzheimers. I still believe she was broken from losing my dad. A week later, I’ll celebrate my 40th birthday.

I split from someone that I was really close to and thought I was going to have in my life forever, but when things got too real and hard, they bailed on me… even though I was there with them and supporting them through a tough life transition. It makes me feel like that’s all I’m around for… to help people in tough times and then I’m nothing again.

Nothing.

I feel like nothing a lot. Mostly I feel too much. My mind tortures me at night, refusing to shut off and reminding me of everything I’ve lost and don’t have anymore and some nights it’s so loud. All the sadness and brokenness of my heart…

Some days I’m just drowning. Today is one of them.