Strange fears…

I started writing an entry last week, but never got around to finishing.  I’ll keep it in the saved drafts, just because it was somewhat on the negative side and I’m in a totally different mindset today.  I had yet another fabulous weekend with A.  He has made the 3 hour drive every other weekend 3 different times now.  It’s always been the weekends I don’t have the kids.  Well…he is coming again this upcoming weekend….my weekend with the kids…to celebrate the 4th of July.  Obviously, this will be the first time he will be meeting the kids.  I have always been really careful about introducing new people to the kids.  They’ve only seen me with a couple of people since K…6 years ago lol.   They aren’t really used to seeing me with anyone, and can be a little stand offish at first.  But I have a good feeling about it.  A has been so accepting of them since day 1 without even meeting them.  He’s always talked about wanting to go and do all these things with us.  I’m ready for it!  It’s been so long since I’ve had the comfortability in a family life.  Up until now, I hadn’t met anyone I was even interested in having that with.  It’s probably moreso the fact I wasn’t willing to let my guard down for anyone else.  I still struggle with the anxiety of new things.  I’m so used to living alone(with the kids of course) but sharing my space with another adult is something I’m going to have to get used to again.  I’m constantly worried about being judged if the house isn’t clean or how I do…or don’t do…certain things.  One of the things I struggle with the most, and I have no idea why, is the thought of cooking for someone!  This is something I have struggled with for years now.  The last man I ever cooked for was K, 6 years ago!  Though he never had any complaints, and I don’t feel I’m horrible when it comes to cooking, I struggle with the thought of what if they don’t like it, what if it turns out horrible, what if I don’t do things their way…so many things run through my mind.  I constantly worry about being judge and as I type this I think it sounds so stupid.  Every time A has been here we have gone out to eat, whether it was with friends or my sisters.  The fact that I need to go grocery shopping doesn’t help lol, but I need to get over this fear.  My first step is to make sure I go grocery shopping before this weekend…BUT…then what?!  How can I make this easier on myself and set aside the fear and anxiety.  I guess this will be my goal for the next couple days, to really dig down deep and figure out where all this stems from and work on building the confidence back.  Not much else to say today, but if anyone has any input on this crazy fear or mine, I’d definitely appreciate the feedback.