Little Help Here…

I haven’t written in this thing for a while.  I just feel that I need to.  I"m so…stressed…that doesn’t even seem like the right word but tense maybe.  I mean…it’s a constant fight with Mason’s dad anymore and I can’t take it anymore.  I seriously wish he’d sign over all rights.  I’d lose child support, but in all honestly..I’d work another job if it meant not having to deal with him.  It’s been since like April since he’s seen him and somehow it’s my fault.  I’m sorry that after 5-6 times of him saying he’d take him and then not…I won’t bust my plans to ‘schedule a day from him to see him’.  He always tells me he’ll take him…I’ll cancel plans or not make plans so he can take him..and then I never get a hold of him…or he’ll text me one day saying he wants him..when I’m out of town…he wouldn’t even come to his first birthday and I changed the date and time so that he would come.  Mason doesn’t even know him…now it’s come to the point that I dont get any assistance from the state for daycare and he’s been ordered to pay half…but pay it directly to me…and do you think I can get him to do it….no way in hell.  So I’ve hired an attorney to make sure it gets paid.  It’s just hard…I hate this..and I want it to end.  He tells me he’ll start paying daycare when he can see Mason…WTF????? How is it all my fault he can’t be a dad.  I just flat out told him that I have NEVER tried to keep his son away from him…evne though I have full physical custody..and he’s listed as the damn legal father…aka sperm donor…with NO visitation listed anywhere in the papers.   I’m afraid he’ll turn around and fight for custody…which I shouldn’t be worried I do everything I can to take care of my son….and there’s NO WAY I could lose him to him…is there?  A small part of me doubts my parently skills because…no I’m not perfect but damnit I love my son and I’d do anything for him. 

Would the courts seriously give custody to a man who gets so drunk..he pisses the bed…gets so drunk he goes up to a campsite with his friends…goes to leave and takes his dogs and forgets his kids?  Would they really do that to my son???? Yes he does do this while his other kids are there.  His one son if you listen to him sleep at night..he’s tossing and turning and sounds like he’s getting the shit beat out of him in his sleep….all that palce is is a bunch of yelling screaming…and…drunkeness…and I don’t want my son in that…and in all seriousness he doesn’t have the money to fight it very far…but…what if somehow he comes up with it..I"m sick and tired of all this pressure…trying to be the best mom and can…trying to fight with his dad because somehow it is my responsibility to make sure he sees his dad..his dads side of the family…I feel horrible because his mom and step dad are the nicest people in the world…and mason deserves to know his grandparents…but..it’s hard having to deal with them when I’m sure I’m some horrible person that has kept my son away from his dad…I haven’t and I wish people could see that.  I have begged and begged him to be a father to him…and..yes a part of me doesn’t want him to have any visitation…but I can’t do that to Mason.  If he fights for visitation…can I ask for it to be supervised…and not overnight…I don’t know what my options are and everything just keeps running through my head over and over.  I"m driving myself crazy and I don’t even know what I’m worried about.  I’m the best mom I can be and I won’t lie I used to be a piece of shit before I had my son….all I did was party and drink and…I"m not like that anymore…I grew up…I take care of my son.  I’ve bettered myself.  I have a kick ass job….that I’m doing well at.  I try like hell to give Mason everything he needs.  I’m just clueless and I feel so helpless…and can’t help but think….what if I do lose my son…they wouldn’t do that…would they?

I’m out it’s late and I need to try and get some sleep.