Dating/Relationship ramblings.

Life over the last few years has been a struggle.  Over the last two years I have done a lot of spiritual/energy work and have really started to pinpoint where a lot of my struggles, within myself, have stemmed from.  Why my relationships have been such a nightmare and why I am the way I am!  LOL  I still struggle, but I’m proud of myself for coming as far as I have.  I’m almost 37 years old and feel like I finally have my life headed in the right direction.  I took some time off from dating and that chaos and have now found myself with the love of my life.  We are currently long distance, but he’s only about 3 hours away, so it’s not all that bad.  We actually started talking a few years back but we never met face to face and nothing ever came from it.  I went out on a limb back in November and messaged him on Facebook.  Even then, he was just a friend.  As time has passed we have really gotten to really know each other and become such good friends.  Feelings started to develop but with that, in February, things started to fade and I didn’t hear from him for almost a week.  I knew then I had made progress because I wished him the best and told him I knew our paths would cross again, if they were meant to.  I had made up my mind months before then that I would NEVER beg anyone to stay in my life as I have done that over and over again with previous relationships.  Though it hurt, I have found faith in knowing that things truly do happen for a reason.  It only took a week for him to reach out to me again.  I woke up to a text from him one morning and at first I was torn, but there was truly something different about the emotion and honesty within his text.  It was actually the first time he ever told me he loved me.  Which of course sent my head spinning because, can a person really love someone they have never met in person, or are they just in love with the idea of them and the idea of being in love with them?  We had a very in depth conversation and it was the first time we had been really open and raw with our feelings.  Things have been beyond anything I have ever experienced since then.  He truly is my person, he has helped me through some trying times and his encouragement and support is nothing like anything I have ever known.  His love and communication is beyond anything I have ever had in my life.  We were finally able to meet, in person on the 29th of May.  The previous week he had mentioned coming for the weekend and I didn’t think too much of it.  I’m used to being told things with no follow through(NOT with him and I know it’s unfair of me to even expect that of him) but that Saturday I knew he was serious.  Of course I immediately went into flight or fight mode and was thinking of any and every excuse not to meet him.  I still struggle with a man accepting me for me.  I’m not a skinny person, with online dating over the years, I have literally talked to and met up with men who made an issue over my weight.  I made that very clear to him and I swear to you, his comeback was the sweetest thing.  He asked me if I had ever watched the movie Shallow Hal, and of course I have.  He goes on to say how in the end, he falls in love with her because of her and that nothing else matters and that’s truly how he felt.  He also had to point out how Tony Robbins is in that movie, because he knows how much I admire him.  He pays attention to the little things that I say and do and remembers them!  Once the initial awkward nervousness wore off, which was rather quickly, I felt like I was at home.  He wanted me to be comfortable so we met up at a local bar that I frequent, had a couple of drinks, and originally, I was really anxious about having him stay at my place, but that changed.  I didn’t want him going anywhere else!  For once I had no expectations of how things would go.  In the past I always set myself up with expectations.  Would we have sex, would he even try, did I want to, would it be awkward….though the questions were still there, I didn’t feel the need to have the answers before the opportunity was even there.  Everything was just so natural.  We did end up having sex.  I think it’s quite common for the first time with someone to be a little on the awkward side, but it confirmed, for me, the connection that we have.  He thanked me for not making excuses that would have interfered with us meeting.  He hung out with me and my sister pretty much the entire day the next day.  Then he finally headed back home.  There was a little anxiety for me wondering if I’d continue to hear from him, if he had fun, what he really thinks now that we’d met in person, on and on, my mind just drives me crazy sometimes.  I’m hoping getting back on here regularly will help eliminate or at least ease some of that.  He was able to come visit again this past weekend.  It was such an amazing weekend.  We went and had lunch and just talked.  I swear we could talk for hours, even though we spent better than 6 months doing nothing but talking.  We went to a bull riding event with one of my good friends and had such a great time.  We stopped at the local bar on the way home and he got to meet a few more of my friends and then we went home.  Things got a little hot, and when I tell you the connection I have with this man is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced, it’s a crazy true statement!  Of course there’s been men that I’ve connected with just spiritually, just physically, or just sexually.  But never has there been anyone with that connection there on every single level.  Laying there in bed with him, looking me dead in the eyes and hearing “I love you, Chelsi…I knew I loved you before I ever met you”…..that moment will be embedded in my mind forever.  Was it the eye contact?  The feeling that I knew in that moment, he meant every word he’s ever said, that he’s honest…he’s real?  All of the above!  Over the years I’ve always struggled with eye contact.  Rarely, would I ever look people in the eye.  It’s been something I’ve been working on since I became aware.  With him?  There’s never been a struggle.  Everything about him makes me comfortable.  Comfortable with him, comfortable in my own skin, comfortable in ways that I didn’t even know possible!  Of course, we are human, as we’re getting to know each other more and more there are those awkward moments.  Everything about him….this…us…is so different and honestly it’s everything I could have hoped for and more.  The next morning, I’m a pretty earlier riser, so I let him sleep in.  When he woke up we got ready and went and met my ex husband(K in my previous posts from years ago) and his fiance.  That situation is a whole different story, but for now, long story short, we get along great!  His fiance has become one of my best friends.  We have nailed this whole coparenting thing!  That went really well!  They have met a couple of guys but I was always so anxious.   Almost like I felt the need for their approval?  I know it probably sounds crazy but like I said, this is gong to be a place I can get all these crazy thoughts out of my head.  After that, we just went home, and he got ready to go back home.  Which was hard!  I literally cried when he left, in a way, I guess you could say they were good tears.  I was just so happy for how the weekend had gone, yet sad it was time for him to leave.  I long for the day we won’t have to say until next time!  Which, I truly believe is in the future.  Maybe not right away, there really is no reason to rush things.  To have a man that legitimately talks about the future, who does not reference “I or me”, it’s always “we, us, and our”, a man who puts forth more effort than any man that has lived just minutes away from me.  He matches my effort! He knows my insecurities, and instead of shaming me or making me feel stupid for them, he goes above and beyond to give me the reassurance that eases my mind.  The very first time he was on his way here, he turned on his location.  When he went to leave this last time he said he’d let me know where he his as he made the drive home, and mentioned that I could check his location too as he had never turned it off.  Some people might find that crazy, but it’s like I told him, it is the little things like that give me the confidence in him.  I thanked him and told him that and he said he knew and that’s exactly why he did it.  He’s 100% aware of my past, and the things I have struggled with, been exposed to, and why my brain seems to automatically resort sometimes to an immediately negative reaction or thought.  But instead of coming down on me for it, he acknowledges it and always reassures me.  He has yet to meet the kids yet, but always includes them in the conversations about the future.  He’s really looking forward to meeting them, and for the first time ever, I’m actually really excited for them to meet.  I’ve been so cautious over the years, there hasn’t been many men that I have introduced to the kids.  Maybe 2?  I always would say that it’s because I didn’t want the kids getting too attached and then being hurt when the man would leave.  Honestly, I think back and I can’t say that I was always worried about them but I have realized now that it was me too!  I never fully committed to anyone and could never really see a future with anyone.  That has all changed.  Do I still worry about the possibility of it not working out and getting hurt again?  Of course I do, but I don’t dwell on it to the point I push him away.  There are just so many things that are completely different.  I know a big part of it is the progress I have made over the last little while in loving myself and allowing others to love me as well.  But I also know that he is one of the good ones and instead of being scared of being hurt and disappointed in the future…I make it a point to be grateful, and have a positive outlook on the future.  On our future 🙂

I’m not really sure the purpose of this entry or if it makes any sense.  I’m really just looking forward to getting back into journaling and to be able to type as all these thoughts and ideas come to mind.  I’ve always been able to express myself the best when typing/writing and so there will be much more to come!