Today…..

 Today is a day that I dread the coming of all year long.  Three years ago today I held the hand of my best friend, my "Dad", as he took his last breath in this world.  

I never could have imagined what the past three years would bring.  Birth of two sons, A year and a half battle with his family as I tried to settle his estate,  and the ongoing battle to settle the estate tax stuff now.   I’ve been on highs, lows, I’ve been kicked around and dragged through the mud.  People have tried to break me, but just like one of those punching bag clowns that kid’s play with, I just bounce right back up and wait for another swing.  Is this what I imagined it would be like once he was gone?  Never.  I never imagined his family would turn on me and be so horrible to me.  But looking back, I shouldn’t have expected anything more of them.

I’m praying for the day when all of the stuff associated with his passing can finally be completed so I can move on.  In some ways it hardly seems possible that three years have passed, and in others it seems like so very much longer than that.  I want this all to be over with so that I know in my heart that I’ve done everything he wanted of me, and so that I can finally feel  like he is resting peacefully.  

Man, do I miss him.  🙁  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, or that something doesn’t remind me of him, that my son doesn’t talk about him with me, or that I look at my sons’ and feel so bad for the youngest two that they never got the chance to know him and he them.

I have a friend who lost her Dad 17 years ago on this same date.  And she said something that really hit home.  I will live more of my life without him than I did with him.  That just hit hard.  

Today I hugged my sons’ just a little big closer, today I remember him with fondness, today my heart is heavy with the memory of those last few days spent with him, today I sit in quietness and recall my life with him, today, tomorrow and forever I honor him and will love him.

I look at my 3 year old son (who was only 3 weeks old when he passed) and it takes me back to when I was 3.  I remember standing in the truck on the seat next to him yelling "10-4 good buddy!"  in his ear as we drove home.  lol  Riding in the truck with him as he plowed snow and squealing every time I thought we got stuck.  I also remember: Waking him up when he had to go to work (he was a tire builder for a major tire mfg) and helping pack his lunch. To this day I can still recall the smell of the factory that wafted out of his lunch pail.  ‘Helping’ him build his new house when I was 7.  The same house that 23 years later I would be responsible for cleaning out and selling.  The excitement of having him hand me the keys to the ‘new’ car  he bought me when I turned 16.  The same car that sits parked in my garage today.  Looking into the crowd of parent’s and seeing him sitting there with my Mom and Grandma freezing their butts off just to see me walk across stage to get my diploma.  Standing with him taking pictures at my wedding.  He couldn’t have had a bigger smile on his face if he would have been my biological father.  The sadness on his face the day that I loaded up the very car he bought me and drove off to start my new life in GA with DH.  The excitement on his face a year later when he and my Mom came to visit us for the first time when we moved back to WI.  How he took me in and let me stay at his house with him when my Mom had to undergo brain surgery, driving me to and from the hospital every day and sitting with my Mom and I in the hospital.  The sheer joy that shone across his face the first time he held my oldest son.  And for the next three years the joy I could see that little boy brought to him even on his worst days.  I remember hearing for the first time that his test results had some back and it was definitely cancer.  That was on my graduation day from college back in 2004 and he wasn’t feeling well enough to attend my graduation, which he was so sad about.  Only to learn that he was given no more than 6 months to live.  Every day that passed  brought the ‘what if’s’ with them.  Three years later he finally lost that battle.  And I will forever be thankful for the Drs that were so very wrong in saying he would be gone long before that because it gave him the will to fight with every ounce of his being.  That, and my son, he would have fought forever if he could have just to be able to spend more time with him and watch him grow.  He said that me and my sons’ were what kept him going, what gave him something to live for.  I’m glad that we meant that much to him to give him the will to live for so long when all the medical odds were against him.   I’m glad he got to meet my second son and hold him, get his picture taken with him.  I will forever treasure that photo.  And I’m glad that he knew that my 2nd son was named after his Dad, Thomas.  His Dad, who I called Grandpa and adored just like my son adored him.  Life truly does come full circle sometimes.

Time passes, the tears that get shed will eventually slow over time, the ache in my heart will fade.  But what will never fade is the impact he had on my life, the values he helped instill in me, the integrity that he helped show me through his actions, and because he was so honorable I will continue to honor his memory.  No blood ties us together, but two people who just happened in each other’s lives could not be any closer than we were.  

R.I.P.  M.R.K.    Love you, miss you…..

p.s.  Remember that talk we had the night before you passed?  You told me that I would have more kids, and that I would definitely get a girl.  Well, we are now on son #3!  I don’t know if you and Grandma and Grandpa are all sitting up there in Heaven have a good chuckle as you watch me chase after those little guys, but where the heck is that little girl?!??!?  Remember, I promised if I were to ever get lucky enough to have a girl I would never name her Kathryn (his sister who is a real pain in the you know what…)that promise still stands.  Now you three get busy up there and send that little one down here!  I would love someday to be able to experience what you felt the first time you ever held me and to watch DH have the experience of helping raise a daughter, just like you did.  You’d be happy to know, we are instilling in the boys’ all those things you taught me and helping them remember you all the time.  May they grow up to be half the man you were to me.  This world would be a lucky to have three little men that are more like you.  Ok, I’m off.  Your grandsons are in for a nice big hug from you…….