6 years since we said good bye

Dear MRK,

 Well, here we are again, February 12th.  To everyone else it’s just a Tuesday or just any other day.  But to me it is one of the days that changed my life forever.  This date signifies the day that our time together here on earth would come to an end.  Even though six years have passed, it seems like no time at all has passed.

I realized just how much this day changed our lives when K struggled last week.  I ended up having a very lengthy talk with him because his behavior was not what it normally was.  He seemed out of sorts and I didn’t know why.  Then he finally sat down and told me that he was thinking of you.  That he knew that the day was coming when you had gone away but he didn’t know for sure when it was.  Then he sat and worked through it by figuring out that your funeral was on his 3rd birthday, that two days before that it was Valentine’s Day, and that would mean that you had passed away two days before that which would make it the 12th.  He also had remembered that Feb. 12th was also Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, and since he remembered that you were somehow related to him he remembers the two dates together as a sort of connection.  I have to say I was impressed with the way he worked through all of that.  

But what impresses me more is the fact that my son remembers so very much about you and his short time with you.  He was a few days shy of 3 when you said good bye.  Yet he can sit and talk about all sorts of things in detail about being with you.  I know it comes from his own memories, because sometimes until he says them I have forgotten some of those things, so it’s not like he simply repeats those things he’s heard.  I love to sit and listen to him as he talks about you.  It brings a smile to my heart to know that he has such vivid memories of you, that he remembers such awesome things about you.  That he remembers his very first sled ride being at your house and that you came out to play with him for a bit before you got to tired and had to go back inside to sit by the window and watch him.  He recalls how the tree looked at Christmas time at your house.  He remembers how every time we visited you always had a bag of peanut butter M&M’s waiting for him as a treat.  And if he didn’t eat them all that he got to take them home for a treat later.  I think you would find it amusing that our house has rarely been without a bag of peanut butter M&M’s since then.  In fact, there is a big bag sitting on the kitchen counter right now and in a little while there will be a little monkey that will be asking for M&M’s.  It’s funny that K still gets the giggles when he recalls spending holidays at your house.  Especially holiday meals.  He talks about how you always made sure there was pumpkin pie for him and how you always made sure to have whipped cream in a can.  And that you’d make a huge mound of it on top of his pie until you could no longer see the pie.  And that you’d tell him to open his mouth as you squirted some into his mouth, and then into your own.  Those are the moments he treasures the most.  And I am so glad that he has those to memories, those good memories.  Because along with the good also comes the bad.  He recalls how you got sicker and sicker until the time when you had to have the oxygen equipment in the house.  How with time, your body changed but that everything else about you stayed the same and that you were still the person he loved so much.  And he also remembers coming to visit you in the hospital after we got that fateful call that you were very sick and needed to go and we came quickly to you not knowing what to expect next.  You got to meet your other grandson for the first time, he was only 3 weeks old.  I guess it’s true what they say, a person leaves this earth to make room for a new life to enter.  K remembers his time with you that day.  He remembers when it was time for him to go home, crawling up on the bed to give you one last hug and kiss.  And I remember the look that passed between the two of you, as if there were no one else in the room at that moment.  No words were spoken, just that gaze and his little hand resting on you until he quietly said "its ok to go’.  A peace passed between the two of you then, and all was ok.  And when he gave me a hug he said ‘everything will be ok’.  It was as if he was giving you permission to leave when you felt it was time, the two of you had an understanding somehow that it was all going to be ok.

I wish you would have gotten to know J.  He is an overly energetic, overly talkative blonde haired, blued eyed firecracker.  he keeps us on our toes every day.  He’s smart and wants to do everything that his big brother does.  He would have explored every inch of your place had he ever had the chance to.  He’s my rough and tumble boy for sure.  

And then there is E.  Boy, if there ever was a child that looks like me it’s him.  You would be surprised at just how much he truly looks like me.  It’s kind of crazy!  He is my little monkey.  His personality is awesome.  He’s alot like K, laid back and sweet.  His smile lights up the room and his eyes sparkle brighter than the stars.  He’s a real joy to have around.  And I am sure going to miss him when he starts school this fall.  You would really enjoy him too.  He would certainly keep you laughing with his goofiness.

It’s been a rough 6 years.Rough because there are moments in life when there is nothing more that I want to do than to share them with you, but realizing that you are no longer there.  Rough because your family tried to bend me, break me, and destroy me for the past 5 years now.  Always looking for something to try and blame me for, trying to make me out to be the bad guy.  I always questioned why you chose me to handle everything for you.  All you simply said to me was "you can handle this".  I doubted that at times, but then suddenly everything seemed ok and at that moment I knew you were right beside me, guiding me and helping me like you always had.  And I did make it, I did handle it.  But it wasn’t easy.  I’m not ever going to be glad that you are gone, but I am glad that your family is out of my life and that part is gone.  Today we remember you, for the good times we had, for the times we wish we had, and for the time we’ll have again someday.  I hope you are at peace now.  I hope that you are enjoying your time with all of those who have gone before us.  and I hope that you continue to watch over us as we continue on our journey without you.  You are missed dearly, spoken of often, and loved eternally.