08/05/2011

 I have this friend who has become a frustration for me lately.  Well, she’s done things  over the past few years that have frustrated me because she fails to listen to anyone about anything and then is surprised by the outcomes.

She’s had a hard time holding down jobs in the past.  She finally had a job that lasted, worked for 4 years or so at the same place.  She hated it, but at least she knew that she needed to stick it out because jobs are hard to come by.  But then, for whatever reason, she decided to get careless with even that.  Without checking she thought it would be undertime on a particular day and showed up to work 2 1/2 hours late only to find out there was no undertime.  She worked at a call center so they had standards set for how long a call should last, etc.  She had been told before that her calls were lasting to long and she needed to fix that, but she didn’t.  So on the day she showed up 2 1/2 hours late she got called into HR and was fired on the spot for non-adherence to their call policies, etc.  

She graduated from college (2 yr that took her FOREVER to get through) in a program that she can’t find a job in at all.  But while she was deciding ‘what she wanted to be when she grew up’ she racked up a ton of debt.  She’s under some delusion that she won’t have to pay that back any time soon, but I think she will quickly find out she’s wrong in that department as well.

She’s poor with money.  If she has some, she HAS to spend it and has no concept of saving for anything.  While in school she was getting at least $5000 per semester (which she didn’t need) and every time the check came she would blow it.  Bought a car when she already had a perfectly fine one just because she thought it was "cute", buys new appliances/dishes for her kitchen because she wants everything to be in red, buys baby furniture but has no kids, etc.  Stupid choices.  I repeatedly told her to pay down any past due bills she had, pay off what she owes on the downpayment on her trailer, and then SAVE some of that money for a rainy day when she may need it.  She said she knew she should, but she wanted what she wanted and that’s what she did in the end.

Years ago she used to do respite care for foster kids.  I don’t know what happened, but she quit that.  I think she didn’t like being tied down and unable to do things when she had them and she just gave it up.  But then about a year or so ago she went through the process and became a respite provider again.  She had a couple kids on and off on weekends for a while.  Then she went under review after being in the program for a while.  And shortly after that she no longer was getting any kids.  Not long ago she found out her sister had talked to the SW and somehow put a stop to that.  So her source of income was lost there.  Now she has absolutely NO income coming in, bills are piling up and she’s not looking very hard to find anything new to help her cause.

To top it all off, last year she got some hair brained idea that she was going to adopt.  I think it was spurred on by the fact that her sister adopted a little boy from the foster system.  And she can’t let her sister "win", so she decided to do the same thing.  So she started the long process to get approved for adoption.  The final part was finally approved this June and she is now eligible to submit her homestudy for any child she’s interested in and they go from there.  Don’t get me wrong, all children deserve a forever home and a forever family.  So that’s not the part that upsets me.

What upsets me is that she is SOOOOO not parenting material.  She’s told me that her kids will ‘learn to sleep through the night whether they like it or not’ because she doesn’t intend to ‘be up all night with them’.  Well, honey, that’s part of being a parent!  She insists that she can change that and it can be different from how everyone else does it.  Whatever.  That her kids will sit quietly at the table and eat whatever is put in front of them until it’s gone and without complaints.  Nice idea, but not how things work sometimes.  As a parent you ahve to learn to pick your battles with a child.  She doesn’t like messes or clutter so insists they won’t have much "junk" to lay around and clutter up her house.  She is very OCD about certain things (like things with labels have to face out, everything has it’s place and she knows if it’s been moved, movies are alphabetized and only she is allowed to remove them, etc)  A young child will not understand all of these stupid rules.  She insists they will because she will make them understand.

She doesn’t own her trailer, has no job, no savings.  Really, she has nothing.  And she’s still pursuing this kid thing.  What makes it worse is that she won’t listen to anyone (especially those with children) about adopting only one child.  She thinks she can be super woman or something and wants a minimum of 2.  Mostly she looks at 3-4 siblings at a time to adopt.  And almost every child she looks for has some type of medical condition ranging from mild to very serious, including Down’s Syndrome.  I find it deplorable that she seems to only take into consideration how she will come across to others by doing this.  She thinks it makes her look better in other’s eyes to take on these kids that no one else wants.  I think it makes her look stupid for not listening to those who have experience and say one at a time is more than enough for a person with no experience as a parent.  

She bothers me because she thinks that I should support her unconditionally in all of this.  But I can’t.  I don’t feel she’s doiing the right thing and I can’t blindly put that aside and tell her otherwise.  She surrounds herself with people who blindly support her in all she does, who stroke her ego and tell her how wonderful she is for doing all of this, how awesome she will be as a Mother, etc.  I am not one of those people.  When I tell her something she doesn’t like, she stops talkign to me for a while.  Whatever, if you can’t handle the truth then don’t ask me because I will tell you the truth!  

Well, recently she shared a link for a sibling group from Nevada that she was interested in.  There are 4 children in this group, again with multiple medical conditions between them.  She got some questions from the agency that has them that she was supposed to answer.  She answered them, then emailed them to me to review.  I read them, and then read them to my DH, and we both had the same opinion on it.  It sounded juvenile and vague.  For example, one question was about how would she deal with helping them transition into a new living arrangement, etc.  Her answer was that she would drive them around town to look at stuff.  How does that help them transition to their new lives?  Just because she enjoys aimlessly running around town doesn’t mean that’s a proper way to parent.  She thinks it is.

She sent me those answers and then asked me what my SW training had me think about it all.  (she does this ofte

n to me while in this process, attempting to play off my background in one way or another)  I told her that I felt it wasn’t well written and needed to be looked at closer.  She asked me to rewrite the answers in SW speak so that she would come across better.  I refused.  I told her that if she’s serious about becoming an adoptive parent then she needed to put the work into it herself.  That she needs to put some serious thought into her answers and answer them that way or it won’t mean a thing.  Because if I wrote her answers for her then it wouldn’t truly be her thoughts/feelings on anything it would be mine.   Well, like usual when she hears something she doesn’t like from me, she quit talking to me.  Then I get a two line email from her saying she would do it herself followed up by ‘there, it’s done and sent".  Then I heard nothing from her for about a week again.

The only reason I heard from her then was because she’d heard something back from the Nevada agency.  They answered whatever questions she’d asked of them.  And then asked if her SW had submitted her homestudy yet.  Now, maybe it’s just me but I took that interaction to be something pretty simple.  She asked questions, they answered.  And since she’d answered their questions and what not and they had no additional info from/on her they asked about the homestudy.  She took it to mean they were extremely interested in her as a potential parent.  She posted all over Facebook, asked a whole bunch of her friends (including me) if she was reading to much into it, etc.  Eveyrone else was like they always are "oh you’re so wonderful of course they are interested!"  and "no it sounds promising, they want you".  etc.  Then there was me.  lol  I told her that I wouldn’t be getting to excited about it.  And I explained it just how I did above.  She quit talking to me again since I didn’t stroke her ego like eveyrone else.

She did submit my and my husband’s name to her SW as a reference.  We received this big packet in the mail of questions about her that they wanted us to answer.  I was torn for a bit on whether or not to even do it.  Then I found out that our answers could be kept confidential between her SW and us, that she wouldn’t have the info shared with her.  So we decided to answer it and answer it truthfully.  We really put thought into it and answered all of their questions with examples.  She has a suspicion/assumption that we submitted answers, but she’s not sure since they were never discussed.  What she did tell me is that everyone gave her such wonderful reviews, etc.  Yeah, not how I roll, sorry!  I can’t in good conscious as a parent nor as a social worker that worked in the children’s division provide a review of someone’s ability to parent children who deserve a better life in a false manner.  Someone has to share with these people who she truly is because how else will they ever know?

And now she’s back to vague statuses on FB making people ask questions that she has no intentions of answering.  She thrives on attention from everyone and FB has been her outlet to get that lately, especially with her vagueness about everything.  She thinks she’s been mysterious which makes her more interesting to people.  Maybe for some, but not for me!

Not to mention that she thinks that adopting kids will land her a man.  Yeah, because men just flock to single Mom’s with multiple children that have medical issues that consume their lives.  She’s told me that she believes that now that she has a house, a car, a degree, a soon to be career that adding children to it will make her the "perfect package".  HA!  (she has her eye on a guy from her former church and has been after him for years.  he does not reciprocate her feelings in any manner)  But she thinks that she can hook him if she does all of these things.  I think she will be sadly mistaken, but she refuses to see it.

I’m just frustrated.  I’m tired of being her sounding board for things that she thinks I will just do for her without issue.  I’m tired of her trying to take advantage of my past career experiences to try and make herself look better to others.  I’m tired of her acting as if everything should be only about her.  If anyone tries to share something about their lives with ehr lately she ignores it and turns it all back on what’s going on in her life.  I’m tired of her fly by night way of being religious.  she’s holier than thou in her opinions of how everyone else does things.  But she fails to follow her own preachings.  I’m tired of how she asks me for my opinion and then when I don’t stroke her ego and boost her up on my shoulders with praise she refuses to talk to me anymore for a while until she needs something else from me.  I’ve tried to tell her these things, it goes no where.  

I just feel that her motives are all wrong in wanting this.  I don’t feel that she wants to be a Mom for the right reasons.  She denies this, but I am pretty sure it’s all due to money.  All of the adoption fees, etc are FREE.  And I truly believe that the only reason she is looking so hard at getting from one to however many kids that all have special needs is because they come with a huge check per child each month.  And I know that the money won’t go towards the kids soley like it should.  She says they don’t need new clothes ever because it’s a rip off so thrift sale or used clothing is good enough.  She doesn’t really cook so she eats out ALOT.  So they won’t exactly have a wholesome meal to look forward to in their daily lives.  And since she doesn’t think they need toys or anything like that, money won’t go to that.   An adopted child with special needs comes with state provided medical coverage, so she won’t have to pay for that either.  So you tell me where the money she would get for those children would go to if it doesn’t have to go towards their day to day care?????  On her wants and impulsive buys I’m sure.  So it just frustrates me to no end.  Because of the majority of people she surrounds herself with, I am about the only one outside of her family that has known her the longest.  We’ve been friends for at least 23 years or more now.  I’ve seen it all with her.  

I don’t know.  I don’t know what to do with her anymore.  I know when the need strikes she will be back in touch with me.  in fact, I just received a message from her a few minutes ago saying she was arranging an interview to become a nanny.  Yeah, like she needs to do that when she doesn’t cook or do many other things that people typcially expect from a nanny.  But what do I know.  I’m just hoping that she doesn’t meet the requirements of the prospective children she tries for (many she doesn’t yet she tries anyway.  ie. require two parents, she tries with the assumption she will hook that elusive man)    And if someone is stupid enough to deem her worthy of taking in a child(ren) then I hope she gets some parenting classes or something to help her learn how to become a parent or that she learns to

listen to those around her who have years of experience.  I fear for those poor children.  🙁  I fear that they won’t get the family  or home they deserve in this world.