Wrenches

The last couple days I have been crafting this ligitimate, well thought out, coherant, sound letter to terry in my head explaining the fact that he has decided I’ve been lying about shit and the fact all he has is time to think of these elaborate ways I could infact be lying to him just doesn’t even matter anymore and I’m moving on. I can’t spend most of my child’s life waiting on a person that may or may not want to be with me, with us as a family, in any way, shape or form, in up to 5.5 years time. I’d broken it down to a simplistic, caring and not too bitter, “dear John fuck you” letter. And then today, after this crazy, busy day of living life and being an amazing, caring, fanfuckingtastic mommy that is uber responsible- I opened the mailbox and there was an envelope with the return address I know all too well. I picked it up and almost yelled to Avery that daddy sent him something but just wanted to check it out first, Eli was dead weight in my arms, passed the fuck out and tired as shit from no nap earlier (he fell a sleep while eating a cheeseburger in his carseat- mommy of the year moment right there folks.) And it was addressed to me. Like really. Wtf, I’m thinking its just another “hey, I just want to be an asshole because I’m bitter still” peice of paper. I open it while trying to shush Eli to sleep in the bed, wondering why the hell he is sending me something and not the boys? It’s a card. The front reads “I really miss you…” With a basket of flowers blooming (totally sappy.) The inside read some sappy bullcrap about how it makes it a little easier knowing that I’m in his heart forever. Cue wrench chucked out of god knows where straight at my head. What the fuck. Really. And he wrote happy birthday and happy Mother’s Day. The ironic part is he’s told me how abosolutely crappy the card selection there is. How it’s mostly random and has a lot of cards that are generic and blank on the inside. They actually cost more then having someone make one. And I haven’t sent him money in months. I just have nothing else. Everything I’ve been doing lately has been to prepare myself for this official break up. And the part of my life where I move from the apartment we last lived in together. The place my world fucking crashed into pieces and I picked them all back up, swept them off the floor and threw that shit out the door and said fuck y’all, I still am one of the most amazing people I know and this isn’t the end, this is just the part where I laceup bitches. And now…. Now I just.dont.know.