Back in the Habit

I keep meaning to write here but other things catch my attention. But I’m truly hoping with the first of the year I’ll be around more. If nothing else I’m hoping to do some journaling from one of my fb groups. It’ll be religion related and I’m planning on starting a “new chapter” for that. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, most days it’s not really mine either but I want to give it a shot.

I meant to come and write a post a while back about the boy’s dad. The whole thought of him and the unknown of everything gives me anxiety. He was arrested when our youngest was 5 months old and was in jail for a while before he moved over to a prison. For the last maybe 6 years he’s been in a prison outside of Columbus which is about a 2-3 hour drive from here with no stops. I haven’t taken the boys to see him in about 4 years maybe? I’m not sure exactly. But he also hasn’t really talked to me in over a year and a half at this point. Sometimes if I take the boys to visit his parents on the weekend he will call over there while we are there and talk with them. He gets out October 2018. Eli will be 8 and five months old. Avery will be 10. I have no idea what will happen with anything and all that unknown is just so overwhelming. I can’t control him (I don’t really want to “control” him actually) or the situation or the outcomes. I’m terrified he will have nothing to do with our boys and their little hearts will be shattered.

While in the car driving with the family on the way back from visiting my aunt and uncle for a belated Christmas celebration the other day, Alicia Keys’ “Fallin'” came on the radio and afterwards it just kept going in my mind that that is mostly how I feel about their dad. I tried to have other relationships. Nothing else feels the way that did. It wasn’t perfect but I felt like it would be forever, and then he was arrested which we never saw coming- ever. And that whole situation just leaves me skeptic and worried about what would happen if I truly got attached to someone else. Would they be ripped away too?

By the way, in a complete change of subject- I met my reading goal and surpassed it. I’m now on book 133/125. Well 133 & 134 since I have a paperback going and a kindle book going too.

I think that’s it for now. Hopefully, I’ll be back soon with some other stuff to write. I should do a Christmas entry, we were so blessed this year it was amazing. But for now I think this is good.