Hopeful

Many entries are made because the writer can’t sleep, I bet.

Thats me this too early morning.

I know that I need to focus on what I want and not what I don’t want, but feel this strong urge to spill my guts about all the shit stuff going on right now.

what is going on with me physically?  My walking is worse.  I stumble around the apartment bumping into furniture and walls.  I walk around the neighborhood with the dog like it’s some monumental task, trying to enjoy it but stumbling, tripping on my cane, and falling a couple times within the last month, bruising my left hip pretty painfully.  Is it time for a walker?

something new is I have balance issues when I stand up, and rock back and forth trying to just stand still.  My speech is unintelligible sometimes.  I mean I’ll say something and it will come out slurred and gibberish like, but when I re-say it and concentrate on moving my mouth the right way it can be understood.

There’s lots I can do to help all this, and I struggle to get myself to do any of it.  Get to bed at a decent hour.  Drink 100 oz of water a day.  Exercise.  Lose weight.  Go back to physical therapy, which I am doing.

I’m constantly exhausted.  It’s a vicious circle.  I need to do the above things to get more energy but I’m too tired to do those things.

I’m only 58.  I’ve been having these issues for about 10 years now, mild at first, steadily getting worse.  A mystery for a long time, now it’s been determined it’s chemotherapy/other drug side affects.  Then a neurologist last year told me I’ve had a small stroke sometime in my past.  TIA.

I have fears about it getting worse.  My mind can take that and run with it.  Totally freak myself out.

It could be great if I could see it positively, always remember it could be much worse, show my best face to my family and friends, stop being so critical to myself.  Some days I manage to do that.

there’s a bunch of other stuff going on that gives me that uneasy feeling inside.  It’s just hard right now.  But I do have support.  I’ve got a lot of people who love me.  I love myself.  Gotta remember that.