Been Here Many Times

 Hey

Don’t know if writing about this will help me.

Feeling unmotivated, in need of a shower, down, frantically looking for food, any kind of food, to eat, anxious, immobilized, disappointed with myself, heavy,

Just finished 28 days of radiation.  Am getting better but still can’t drive or go anywhere alone. Am living in between Chad’s place and mine.  Getting myself to do PT exercises is nearly impossible.

I’ve agreed to do a song parody in a show next weekend.  This is something I love to do, but I haven’t been able to force myself to practice much.  I’ll have to do it in a wheelchair and part of me thinks it’s just too much.  Maybe I should wait.  Or maybe I should stop being so wishy washy and just go for it.  I’ve written a very funny song IMHO.

and my weight.  I don’t even want to bring this up because I may not do a damn thing about it.
ive gained a lot of the 34 lbs I lost in 2019.  I’ve had surgery, spent months unable to move hardly at all, so some of the gain has been pretty much a result of this.  I’m just back to those very sad and frustrating days where I hate myself all the time for not being able to eat healthy.  Especially with my health so compromised.  I start off ok but by the afternoon I am compelled to eat anything I can find.  The stress of not being able to just get in the car and go somewhere, by myself, contributes to this feeling I think.  Then again if I could do stuff on my own I’d be going to McDonald’s and CVS for junk food!  At least I’m saving money.  Sorta.

Theres lots of things I’d like to do, like work on my apartment, but days go by and nothing gets done.  Lots of things I really need to do-bills and other paperworky stuff, set up computer, start writing,-but it all gets shoved to the back of my mind.  I’m limited in what I can physically do, but there are things I can accomplish.

Chad and I are not wonderful.  We’re ok, not gonna break up or anything, but stressed.  He’s got major money problems.  I lent him $1000 that he is slow to pay back.  It’s crazy that he has to considering he supported me the last 16 years.  I may only make him pay part back, I don’t know.  We’ve been bickering which we never used to do.  He resents having to take care of me now I can’t move very well.  He doesn’t encourage me or say I’m getting better.  He’s too worried about his own issues and depression.  I don’t blame him.  I love him dearly, but he doesn’t want anything to interfere with his video game playing or violent TV watching-the only two things he does when he’s home.  Ok now I’m feeling guilty-he does clean up the kitchen and do laundry and take the dog out-but only because I can’t anymore.

Im alone a lot.  Like today.  Most of the time I prefer it this way.  I can-and do-watch TV for hours.  All day.  But there are times I wish Carolyn and Chad did not have to work so much and could be around more.  Sometimes I just want to go outside for a while.  At my house I probably could sit outside in the courtyard, but what if I fall trying to get out there?

And Saturday I turn 59 years old.  That’s adding insult to injury!!!!!

OK, here’s the part where I get up, get moving, and do something about all this!  Listen to self help YouTube content, wash my hair, sing my song, and clean up my messes.  I think writing does help.