Strange.

I went to go see my friend Lora on the 3rd.  Neither of us feels like celebrating this country because it’s a shit-show, but we still wanted to have adult beverages and play Rock Band.  It was a lot of fun.  Something I noticed. . . beforehand she seemed genuinely excited for me to be coming.  And I had this odd feeling (which I will explain in a minute).  Then when we were hanging out, she seemed to genuinely be having fun and she was saying and doing a lot of things that made me feel like she was actually happy to be spending time with me.  And again, I felt that feeling.  I realized what it was. . . Shock and confusion.  I was genuinely shocked and confused that a person seemed like they wanted to spend time with me, and that they were actually having fun while doing it.  It felt like a foreign feeling to me.  It was something I realized the next day.  I was like, “Damn.  I don’t feel used to this.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like someone actually liked me.”

Yeah, I know my brother and sister-in-law like me.  We live together, so I guess that’s different.  But after being with a man for 3 years who seemed to just loathe my very existence, it was such an unfamiliar feeling.  I remember thinking so many times, “It seems like he doesn’t even LIKE me.  He seems irritated just by my mere presence in the same room as him.  I feel like nothing I do and say is right.  So why is he still with me, if it feels like he hates me?”  I guess it was a feeling I grew accustomed to.

Then, at the time I was fooling around with Chris, he never seemed to genuinely like my company.  He was nice… sometimes.  He liked to fuck around.  But he never wanted to take the time to get to know me.  It never felt like he cared about me.  And now I know for sure he never did because he walked away without any kind of feeling, and he has never reached out to me in any form or fashion.  It was like it was so easy to never think about me ever again.

Then Troy came along for the second fucking time.  And when we were hanging out, I could just tell that something was off.  I could tell that maybe he was disappointed.  I don’t know.  We had fun and talked, yes.  But, I don’t know how to explain it.  He didn’t seem super enthusiastic about me, and now he never reaches out to talk to me.  Again, it’s like he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead.

Then Otha… which I know I am making too much of this.  I met the guy twice.  But as soon as we started talking we had this instant chemistry that I rarely have with anyone.  I’m so awkward and weird, it’s hard for me to talk to a lot of people, and when I do I don’t feel like I can be myself.  but I felt that way with him.  And then he kissed me.  And he seemed to be really enthusiastic about me that night… until the next day, when it was like a complete 180.  He hasn’t reached out to me since.  I’ve tried to text him (Just a couple of time, casual…not crazy) and he only responds in the shortest way possible and doesn’t try to keep a conversation going.  So it feels like it was all an act.  I feel so stupid and naive.  Like I have this high-schooler mentality that because a boy kissed me, it must mean he likes me.  I guess things like that just mean more to me than they do to other people.

SO.  When Lora seemed to actually enjoy my company, and even has been reaching out and talking to me all week long since then, it feels strange and I keep thinking, it must be an act.  Because that’s what it is every time I think someone actually likes me… it turns out to be an act.  And I feel like a clown.  A fucking fool.  Like, I feel foolish for thinking someone could actually, really like me for me.  That’s why I keep getting this feeling that there is something very wrong with me.  And no one will tell me what it is.  I try to give people space.  I try to reach out occasionally.  I try to give a good balance to everything, but it’s like I can’t figure out what it is that I keep fucking up so badly that people don’t give a shit whether I’m dead or alive.  I could get hit by a fucking train and none of those people who I cared deeply for would give a shit.  And it feels pathetic.  What is wrong with me?  What is so bad that I want to care about people and have them care about me back?