Pretty Good

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately.  Job is good.  Home is decent.  I’ve been concentrating on doing things that make me happy.  I went to a plastic surgery place to have the scar on my face looked on.  I have surgery on April 25th to have them fix it.  It’s something that has made me self-conscious for a long time, and I finally get to do something about it.  I dyed my hair blue.  I got a tattoo.  I bought a bunch of stuff that I would have never been able to get myself because my ex kept blowing my money.  I got some clothes, underwear, make-up, socks, sunglasses, self-tanner, a teeth-whitening kit.  Making yourself pretty is a bit expensive.  lol.  It’s fine, though.  I also have a bunch of money in savings now.  I’ve lost about 20 pounds.  I’ve got to see my best friend that I hadn’t seen in a long time.  I get to accept invitations to hang out.  I got a bunch of dudes in my DMs, but I’m not interested in any of them… except one.

This guy… Troy.  I don’t want to get into a lot of the past.  Basically, we were talking 4 years ago, but things didn’t work out.  I won’t get into the specifics of it, just because I don’t want to re-hash it again.  But, he has been the most similar person to me I’ve ever met.  His humor, his way of speaking, his emotions, his mental health, his sensitivity and compassion, empathy.  It was like I was looking at a male version of myself.  I liked him a lot.  And he broke my heart.

He messaged me a few times just in the last 3 months ever since I broke up with my boyfriend.  It was just a message every few weeks checking in and seeing how I’m doing.  And he was the person who saved me from my biggest moment of weakness when I ALMOST went back to my ex.  So many terrible things were happening, and my brain just wanted something familiar, so in a moment of desperation, I messaged him and told him to tell me not to go back to him.  I also messaged my friend Cheris.  She just said, “don’t go back.  You’ll regret it.”  Not much more than that.  It wasn’t the helpful.  But he sent me this long-ass message with the most heartfelt, helpful advice I’ve ever gotten.  And in that moment, I swear all the tensioni left my body and I felt calm again.  And I didn’t go back.

Anyway, I then noticed that every time I posted something on Facebook, he was ALWAYS commenting and liking it.  I didn’t think too much of it.  To be honest, I figured that ship had sailed.

But last week, he messaged me again.  We were catching up and chatting.  He mentioned he might move to Chicago in the next couple months.  I was like, “That’s awesome!  Good for you!”  But then he was like, “Well, you have to come see me before I leave.”  I honestly didn’t think he was serious.  So I was just like, “Yeah, sure.  Just tell me when and where.”  And he was like, “Well, maybe I shouldn’t… because if I see you again, I might be really inappropriate with you.”  I was like, “Huh?  How?”  He mentioned he hasn’t been with a woman in over a year.  I was like, “OHHH!  Well, I haven’t been with a guy in like 4 months.  I don’t think I’ll ever want a relationship ever again, but I like sex.”  He was like, “Me too.  I feel the exact same way.”  So we talked some more and we kind of agreed to have a kind of friends with benefits thing.  Even when he moves to Chicago, he said anytime he comes to visit, we could “have fun.”   Which is completely fucking fine with me.  I know it sounds shallow, but at this point, I am certainly in no mental state to be in a relationship.  I don’t think I could handle it ever again.  I’m happier being single.  But I do like sex.  I like having someone I trust touch me like that.  And we talked about things we liked sex-wise and we have a LOT of shit in common that we are into.  So he asked for me to come see him March 25th, and we could go see a movie, then go back to his apartment and have some fun.

I do like him a lot.  I always have.  And I think this may be the perfect set-up if all works out.  This morning when we were talking, he was asking if he should pick me up on the 25th.  I told him he lives an hour away, he shouldn’t have to come pick me up, then the next day drop me off again.  That wouldn’t be an easy task for him.  I just told him I’d drive to see him.  Then I said, “But don’t worry, I won’t overstay my welcome.”  He was like, “I’m not worried about that.  As a matter of fact, I was thinking about giving you a key to my apartment, so you can come by anytime that you need to get away from your family.”  I was just like, “Wow.  holy shit.  How are you so thoughtful?”

I know this entire thing sounds so shallow and that he could be using me.  But this is on both sides.  We both want this type of set-up.  And the conversations we have… he’s said some of the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me in my entire fucking life.  I don’t expect it to go any further.  I’m just down to enjoy the moment and the fun we can have together.  He’s really intelligent too.  I’m so used to talking to the moron dudes that I work with, that try to message me shit like, “Wanna fuck and smoke a blunt?”  Like, I’m not exaggerating on that last one.  That was the message I got from one of them.  Others are also lacking in the woo-ing department.  Just straight up, “I want to fuck you.”  Or “Have a three-some with me and my wife.”  Or sending me fucking dick pics.  Like what the fuck am I supposed to do with those?  Those are not appealing.  At all.  Others have been too desperate, blowing me up and not even being able to carry on an actual conversation.  No basic spelling or grammar skills.  It’s so disappointing.

Anyway, I’ve got to work this weekend.  I’m not looking forward to it.  I want to get through this week fast to be able to go see Troy next Saturday.  I swear this is so fucking surreal.  I never thought I would be saying this again.  I am going to see Troy.  Troy wants to see me again.  It’s like it’s not even real.  Anyway,  I should go.  Bye!