No One’s First Choice.

The other day, I was talking to my boss, Heather, and she was telling me how her dad was sick and she found out unexpectedly, and she was driving to see him.  She said she called her friend (another one of our bosses), Taylor, and told him what was going on and not to be worried.  She said Taylor started telling her to pull over, he would come with her, or send his husband to go with her if she needed.  He was just generally very concerned for her well-being and wanted to be there for her.  She told me all that and I said without thinking, “Aw, I wish I had a friend like that.”  And I realized after I said it how sad of a statement it was.

It’s true.  I honestly feel like I don’t have anyone that would be there for me like that.  I used to, but my “best friend” only texts me once every 2 years apparently.  That’s not an exaggeration.   She literally went 2 years without responding to me.  When she finally texted me, she was apologizing saying she had been depressed and had anxiety. . . which I get, but then she started saying she applied for a job where I work.  We texted for a few weeks while she was waiting to hear back.  Finally, for reasons I don’t want to get into right now, she didn’t get the job.  And now she won’t respond to me again.  Awesome.  I want to text, “Okay, great talking to ya.  Talk to ya again in 2 more years!”

I was also watching Grey’s Anatomy the other night, and there’s an episode where Alex gets Meredith in trouble and gets her fired.  Christina (her best friend) finds out, and literally starts trying to physically fight him.  I almost started crying, because I know nobody has ever felt that strongly about me.  Nobody cares enough about me to fight somebody.  That sounds kind of fucked up.  I’m not condoning physical violence, I’m just saying . . . I’ve wanted to physically fight someone who wronged a person I cared about, I just didn’t do it, obviously.  No one feels that strongly about me.  No one cares to lose me.  No one fights for me.  I could literally disappear and no one would care to try to find me.  I’m just. . . convenient.  Easy.  Just there.  A back up.  A second choice.  I am no one’s first choice, and it fucking hurts.