Never Going to be Good Enough.

I’ve written this in a blog of mine once, but I wanted to write it here, as well.  There’s been this quote lingering in my head all weekend.  It’s from Legally Blonde.  Through the first part of the movie, Elle has been trying to get back with her ex-boyfriend, and has been doing everything she can to impress him, including going to Harvard law school.  But there is a moment halfway through when she’s talking to him and you can just see the realization on her face and she says, “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?”  Oof.  That parts hits me hard.  I think maybe we’ve all felt like that.  There is that one person you’d do anything for, or maybe you’ve done so much for them and it just doesn’t seem to affect them.

A few months ago CM came back to me.  Sort of.  Only for physical stuff.  And I know I’m foolish.  I kept thinking, him coming back meant SOMETHING.  Like I must mean SOMETHING to him.  But Saturday, the way he treated me, and the way he talked to me… it was like I was nothing, an afterthought.  And I just think about all the things I’ve done for him.  I’ve given him so much, and received nothing in return.  I have helped him through break-ups, listened to him talk about other girls because he was upset, I’ve defended him when other people talked about him behind his back, I’ve even let him borrow money when he needed food and gas.  He never even paid it back.  I never expected him to, but at the time he was so adamant about paying it back, but he never did.  I’ve given him my body and things I just can’t get back, and he barely thinks about me.  So yes, that quote keeps going through my mind over and over, and I’m on the edge of a meltdown.  I am NEVER going to be good enough for him.  EVER.  No matter what I do or say, I’m just not good enough.  And my heart is fucking broken.