Is there something wrong with me?

So, I went to see Troy last night.  I’m not even quite sure how I feel right now.  I feel… odd.

When I got there, we talked for a little bit and had some wine.  Then he asked if he could give me a massage (he is a professional masseuse).  So I said yes.  I’m just going to say that ended… very well.  After all that, we played a game for a while.  It was a game with cards that have questions on them, but they propose funny/fucked up scenarios and you tell what you would do.  That was really fun.  We laughed pretty hard the whole time.  Then he said we should go to bed.  So we did.  And we had sex that… lasted maybe less than 10 minutes.  He apologized because he said it had been a year since he’d had sex.

That’s all fine with me… the sex stuff, but the thing is, leading up to this for weeks, he kept telling me all the things he was going to do to me.  He even bought a set of handcuffs that he said he was going to use, which he didn’t.  He kept saying how he was going to take his time and do all this stuff for me, but it didn’t happen.  He didn’t even freaking kiss me, which is something I told him I really wanted.  He then rolled over and went to sleep.  I felt so… used.  Which I understand we agreed this was not a relationship thing.  That’s not what’s bothering me.  It’s that he said he was going to do all these things, and he didn’t.  And I wonder why.  I keep wondering if it was me.  Was I doing something wrong?  Was he not attracted to me enough to have sex with me longer than 10 minutes?  Why didn’t he at least kiss me once?  Even Chris and the douche-nozzel-ex stopped kissing me after a certain point, and I was really looking forward to that, but it didn’t happen.  I keep wondering if my breath is just REALLY bad?  I keep using breath mints just in case.

So I was thinking maybe after he woke up, we would have sex again, but that didn’t happen.  He got up and we like, “It’s so late.”  He said it like 3 times to get the point across that I should leave.  So I did.  And now I just feel… weird.  I feel like I’ve done something wrong or there is something wrong with me.  It’s just this weird, bad feeling sitting in my chest, and I don’t like it.  He said he’d maybe see me again in a couple weeks, but I’m not exactly counting on that.

I definitely don’t want this to be a repeat of 4 years ago.  I don’t want to feel bad about a guy again, but I certainly can’t help it at the moment.  I’m not going to fall apart like I did before.  I don’t want to.  It’s not worth all that.  I’m just going to sit with this bad feeling for a couple days until it goes away, and I’ll be fine.  Then I’ll go back to focusing on me and what needs to be fixed (because it feels like something does need to be fixed).