I Just Want to Leave.

I am so fucking sick of being talked to like a fucking idiot.  I’m sick of his rude, condescending comments.  I’m sick of him making me feel stupid when I know for a fact I’m smarter than he is.  I’m sick of him acting like a child and losing his shit over the simplest fucking things.  I’m sick of being made to feel crazy.  I’m sick of his whole Jekyll and Hyde personality switch up.  I never know which one I’m going to get.  Even the nice side isn’t even really that nice.  When he IS nice, he’s just fucking boring anyway.  He never has anything interesting to say.  He will literally go on for an hour about credit scores, or golf, or poker.  That’s the only 3 topics he ever talks about and I don’t. give. a. fuck. about ANY OF IT!!!!  He’s constantly interrupting me like I wasn’t even talking.  If I have a problem, he doesn’t try to help me feel better.  He makes everything seem like my fault.  I’m sick of not being able to do the things I want to do.  I’m sick of tiptoeing around when he’s asleep.  I’m sick of feeling like I’ve done something terrible if I drop something, or spill something, or run into something.  I’m sick of walking on eggshells, never knowing what I could say will set him off.

I miss lighting candles.  I miss eating things I like.  If I have to eat Little Creaser’s pizza one more time, I might just jump off a mother-fucking bridge to end it all.  We can’t ever get what I want.  I love taco bell, but we never get it because he claims they skimp on meat or some shit and he throws a fit if someone gets his order wrong.  We can’t ever get Papa John’s.  It’s my favorite pizza, but he says it’s too expensive (even though I’m the one paying), yet the amount of soggy, crap pizza he gets every week is MORE than what one Papa John’s pizza is.

I hate having to think about every little thing I say, wondering if it will offend him somehow, or if he will try to correct me.  And he’s so fucking literal.  I can’t use metaphors because he thinks it’s literal and he doesn’t understand the point I’m trying to make.  I can’t make jokes, because he either gets offended or doesn’t get them or think they’re funny.  I can’t laugh at things I think are funny.  I used to, but then he started policing when I laughed by saying things like, “Why would you laugh at that?  That’s not funny.  Stop laughing so much.”

I miss my family.  He constantly says they don’t care about me now.  I miss having friends.  He told me I shouldn’t talk to friends about our relationship, they probably wouldn’t give good advice.  I miss laughing and joking, having fun.  I hate feeling so depressed all the time.  I’m so exhausted.  And I’m physically sick.  There’s always something wrong with me now.  I’ve had a cough for months.  I keep getting fevers.  I keep getting stomach aches and headaches.  I’m always tired.  My hair is falling out in huge clumps.  I can’t deal with it anymore.  I hate him.  I wish he would just go away.  Why won’t he just go away?

A lot of times I get the feeling he doesn’t even like me.  Why would you want to keep being with me, if you don’t even like me?  Why would you want to keep trying to talk me into staying, if you don’t even like me?  It’s like this deep loathing I can feel coming from him.  I don’t even understand it because all I’ve tried to do is care for him.  And the things he says sometimes… it’s like how do you have the audacity to say such things to someone who is basically keeping you from being homeless?  How do you think it’s okay?  He’s made me cry several times, then literally walks out of the room and just leaves me crying like he doesn’t care at all.  He then calls me a baby or a teenager for crying.  He has NEVER apologized for anything he’s said or done because he doesn’t see a problem with any of it!  I’m so fucking SICK OF IT!!  I AM READY TO LEAVE.  I’M FUCKING ENRAGED OVER ALL OF HIS SHIT AND I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!!!!!!  HOW CAN ANY HUMAN BEING ACT THE WAY HE DOES AND NOT SEE A PROBLEM WITH IT??!!!  I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!