I Hate Him.

I fucking hate him.

So I went to my brother’s and mom’s for Thanksgiving.  A couple of days before, I told N I was going.  He didn’t say anything, he just walked away.  So I was just like, “Okay…”  The next day I came home from work and I told him again, “I guess I’m going to mom’s and Adam’s tomorrow for Thanksgiving for a couple hours if that’s cool.”  He just said, “It’s whatever you want to do.”  I told him he could come too, but he didn’t even respond.  He never comes.  We’ve been together 3 years and he doesn’t go to my family stuff.  He says he feels weird around people he doesn’t know.  Plus I’ve told him how dirty and hoarder- like their house is, and he’s so anal about cleanliness that he’d shit his pants as soon as he walked in.  So the next day… Thanksgiving I got up and started to get ready.  He was asleep.  When he finally got up, he seemed fine and he was like, “So you about to go over there?”  I was like, “Yeah, just finishing up getting ready.”   So I finished getting ready and left.  It takes about 45 minutes to get to mom’s.  Literally 5 minutes down the road and I get a flat tire, so I pulled into an empty parking lot of Rural King.  I texted my brother I was going to be late- flat tire.  I then called N and he didn’t answer.  I texted him too that I had a flat tire.  Then I started going through my glove box to make sure I had that tool to get the lug nut thingys off my tires if it needed to be changed.  (I know.. I’m no fucking car expert, okay?)

So N called back just a minute later after I found my lug nut tool.  I told him again I have a flat tire.  He just sat there in silence.  I was like, “Hello?”  He said he was just thinking, because he didn’t know what to do.  I was like, “Um, can you come change it for me?”  He was like, “I don’t know what I I’m going to need.  I might not be able to do it.”  I’m thinking, huh?  You’ve changed my tire before.  He was silent again for a like a full minute and again I was like, “Hello?”  He’s like, “I’m here, I just don’t know what to do.”  Like he’s playing stupid on purpose??  Then he was like, “I just woke up and you know I’m not all there when I just wake up.”  He has used this excuse the entire time we’ve been together.  When he wakes up for the first hour or 2, he uses it as an excuse or a fucking free pass to be a dick.  He’s even said one time, “You can’t get mad at me for being snappy when I first wake up.”  But anyway, he had been awake for like 20 minutes.  He said, “And I’m in bed and don’t have any clothes on.”  I was like, “I was literally just there.  You were up and had clothes on…like huh?  why are you naked now?”  He’s like, “I just can’t think right now I just woke up.  You know how bad of an effect just waking up has on me.”  I was getting thoroughly irritated at this point and words just started coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t stop.  I said, “We ALL feel that way when we first wake up.  I feel that way, but I have to get up and go to work everyday anyway.  I just do it.  I don’t use it as an excuse to be mean to people.”  Then was all like, “Why are you trying to start an argument with me?  Oh my god!”  I was like, “I’m not.  I’m just wondering why you won’t come help me.”  He said again, “I just don’t know what I need!  I don’t have clothes on and I’m still tired.  And I haven’t eaten anything, so not I have to do this on an empty stomach.  And I’m out of mountain dew, so I don’t even have that to get me going.”  I couldn’t help myself.  The selfishness of that entire statement blew me away.  I was like, “Oh my god, no!  You’re hungry?  Oh no!!”  Again, I’m not one for arguing.  I never say anything mean to anyone.  I’ve only been in a full blown yelling argument with about 4 people in my life and it was because they had pushed me for so hard and so long, that I snapped and words started coming out of my mouth before I could stop them, and this was turning out to be one of those moments.

Then he started yelling at me saying stuff like, “I didn’t even KNOW you were going to your family’s until like 30 minutes ago!  I don’t think it’s fair I have to do this!”  I was like, “I TOLD YOU last night!!  And the night before!!”  He was like, “No you didn’t.  You said you weren’t sure and that you MIGHT go.  I just find out you’re leaving when I first wake up.  And I don’t even understand why it’s so important to go when they don’t even care about you!  They didn’t even get you a damn birthday present!”

My mom and my brother don’t have a whole lot of money.  My brother does make about the same I do, but he has a kid to take care of.  N asked last week why Adam didn’t get me a present, then asked how he couldn’t have any money, and he must be lying about how much he makes.  My mom, even if she did have money… she’s barely there nowadays.  Sometimes she hears voices.  Sometimes she forgets where she even is.  She’s just in her own world most of the time.  And I don’t EXPECT presents from anyone.  That’s shallow and materialistic.  N bought me a bunch of stuff, but it felt like he was expecting a fucking award for doing so.  I don’t care about gifts, I’d rather someone treat me nice, than buy me a fucking diamond or whatever.

So we argue like that for another minute.  I can’t remember everything that’s said.  But basically he was saying I was the one trying to start a fight.  And maybe I purposefully fucked up my tire to start a fight, or something.  I yelled into the phone, “I done with this!  All of this!”  And he hung up on me.  So I called my brother crying and I explained N wouldn’t help and he was like, “I can help.  Just give me a minute, I’m finishing up cooking, I just need to turn some stuff off, and I can grab what I need and I can help.”  I was like, “But I’m too far away!”  He was like, “It’s only 40 minutes… I can come help.”

You see the difference in the two reactions to me needing help?  Douche BF only 5 minutes from me is inconvenienced and douche-y.  My brother is 40 minutes away, and says he’ll drop everything and come help me.  That’s when I knew I wasn’t being completely crazy.  N makes me feel crazy.  Makes me feel like maybe I am overreacting sometimes, or I’m just losing my fucking mind.. that there’s something wrong with me.

So anyway, I told Adam I didn’t want him to have to drive that far and let me call N back to see if I could get him to help.  Adam told me I should pack my shit and come to the house.  I was really going to at that point.  So I called N back and he answered with, “What the fuck do you want?”  His exact words.  Fucking prince right there.  Made me feel like I’m a fucking fairy tale, I tell ya.  I asked if he was going to help or not, otherwise I’d get my brother to.

He said, “You just said you were done with me.  And you need me for something so you call me back?”

I just said, “Are you going to help or not?  I need an answer, because I need to call my brother.”   I was crying at this point.

He’s like, “Oh, yeah.. you’ll call your brother and make me out to be the bad guy.  I bet you won’t tell him you were the one that started a fight on the phone.  And you’re crying like a baby…”

Again, I was like, “I need to know, yes or no.”

He was like, “Fine.  I’m coming.  But I’ve got to get dressed and I don’t know if I’ll have everything I need.”

So I called Adam and told him N was coming and not to worry about it.  He said he strongly advised I leave the douche.  I agreed.  N finally showed up about 10 minutes later.  All the tire needed was air put in it.  I think the cold must have just fucked with the air.  Well, I thought that at the time.  After looking back on all of this, a part of me wonders if he purposefully did something to my tire the night before.  But then I think that’s just me being paranoid and crazy.  Because my mom does that too… she’ll think the world is out to get her, tell herself some story that someone is doing something to her, and convinces herself she’s completely right.  I don’t want to be like that.  I just don’t know what to think anymore.

So after he aired up my tire, I was planning on going to get my stuff and then going to mom’s.  But he was like, “You should be good to go to your mom’s.”  And he hugged me like nothing happened.  I didn’t hug him back.  He was like, “Oh, are you mad at me now?’  I didn’t say anything except, “thanks for your help.”  He said “No problem.  But there’s no reason to be mad at me.  You were the one who wanted to argue.”  I just said, “Nope.  I didn’t.”  He said, “Well, you know what you did.”  I said, “Nope.  I didn’t do anything.”  He’s like, “Well, okay sure.”  I got in my car and started heading to mom’s.  I fully intended on going back later, getting my shit, and Dexter, and leaving him.  I was crying the whole way to mom’s.  When I got there, I was just down, the whole time.  I couldn’t really engage well with anyone like I wanted.  My brother knew what was going on.  He kept saying he would go with me to go get my stuff, but I could also tell he was tired.  He was falling asleep in his chair.  I just said I would do it myself or just do it the next day.

A couple hours later, I left, got some alcohol, and some mountain dew that N had been complaining about now having.  I went home and he was asleep.  Again.  So I just drank my alcohol until he got up.  Again, he tried to act like nothing happened, but I was short with him.  I planned on leaving the next day.  But when I woke up the next day, I kept feeling like maybe everything is my fault.  I don’t know.  I feel like I’m going insane.  And I feel like I’ll never be able to leave.  It was my opportunity and I couldn’t do it.  Why can’t I do it?  What’s wrong with me????

And I NEVER have money anymore.  I actually make pretty good money.  I have a good job.  When I made $8 an hour at Subway I still always have money saved!  I wasn’t living paycheck to paycheck then.  But I make more than  twice that now, and I never have any!  Because of him!  It’s like taking care of a giant child!  And I didn’t even want kids!

And I swear the simplest things he says to be sound accusatory.  Like before I left for work today he was like, “I just don’t understand why your tires keep losing air.”  I know that sounds like nothing.  That doesn’t sound like a bad thing to say.  But everything he says sounds passive aggressive or like there’s hidden meaning.  Like I’ll actually be like, “Ya know, you’re right.  It must be the other guy I’m fucking… he likes to let the air out of my tires for fun! HEHE!  You got me!”  Fucking ass-hole.  I wish he would just go away.  Please!  I just want him to go away!!!