I Don’t Understand.

So I made another attempt to message Otha and he said he was at some wrestling match thingy.  I believe him.  He even posted pics on FB.  He was with his kid.  And that’s awesome.  that’s totally cool.  I understand.  Go you, and your kid-bonding.  But the thing is, he didn’t even say, “Hey, raincheck?”  Or “i’ll try to message you later…” or something like that.  Maybe he’s just a terrible texter with a busy life and that’s totally okay, but let me fucking know.  And I swear to god, I’d get the fucking message that he wasn’t interested, if he hadn’t acted so fucking interested when we were together.  If he hadn’t said such sweet things… if he hadn’t opened up and revealed personal things to me…. if he hadn’t been hinting the entire fucking time that he wanted to fuck me…. if he hadn’t fucking KISSED ME.  If he hadn’t told me to message him… if he hadn’t told me to stop by and see him any time.  What. The. Fuck. @!!!  I don’t understand people.  How can you go from seeming so interested in someone, to totally nothing?  what happened?  Is it  an “Out of sight, out of mind” thing with guys??? I don’t know.  I want answers.  I’m so fucking confused.  At least with Troy, I get it.  I understand it…. kind of.  He was at least hesitant and not that enthusiastic with physical affection.  and his promise of messaging me was see-through non-committal at best.  I’m not completely stupid.  But what the fuck??!!!

Also, I’m kind of drunk right now.  Also, I’m tired of trying to do all the right things and getting nothing in fucking return.  I’m sick of doing so many things for people who shit on my very existence.

Also, a reminder to send my ex next time he tries to message me about money, “I’m sorry it has come to this.  I’m sorry you are having a hard time.  I have given you several months, and a warning.  I gave you a cut-off date.  And  maybe you think I’m being unfair, but if you look back on our relationship, I’m really not.  I’m actually being MORE than generous.  The way you talked to me and treated me was not okay.  You did good things, of course.  If you didn’t, no normal person would stay.  But the terrible out-weighs the good.  You can’t talk to women like they’re stupid.  You can’t talk to women like they are second-class citizens.  You can’t talk about or talk down to workers in the food-industry or retail industry such as Walmart, or McDonalds.  People make fucking mistakes at their jobs every day.  The difference is, these peoples’ mistakes are more on display.  You just happen to fall within the “Karen” people and make them feel like shit.  Which is completely ironic, considering they all make more money than you.  They all have more ambition than you.  You do have it hard, considering your circumstances.  I know it’s hard for you to find a job… but it is not impossible.  A man at my work has the same history as you, and he has a supervisor job now.  So, it’s really hard to feel sympathy for someone who refuses to try… for someone who refuses to accept the consequences of their actions…. for someone who treated their girlfriend terribly and refuses to apologize, even though she’s still giving you money.  How you don’t see a problem with your actions, just completely dumbfounds me.  You need to do some serious self-reelection and therapy, but I know you won’t, because you are a text-book narcissist… which means you see no problem with any of your actions.

Also, I realize that got WAY off topic, because I’m still drunk. My point was…. I have a game-plan now.  I know why no decent dude wants me.  It’s because I’m fat.  I do have an awesome, unique personality, but they can’t seem to get past my fatness.  Time to go back to high school and starve myself again.  That will fix everything, right?  Because I’ve got no other fucking answers…..  I want to be so self-destructive.  A lot of times, no…. most of the time, I just fucking hate myself.   I want to be so fucking self-destructive right now…. I don’t even know how to do it… or describe it.  But I know 90% of the men at work wan to fuck me, so I’m seriously considering, just becoming a whore and fucking them all.  I just want to self-destruct and die at this point, because there is obviously something VERY wrong with me, and I deserve to fucking die.