I Don’t Deserve to Exist.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve to exist.  After my break-up, I was very much set on the fact I would never date again.  Then Troy started messaging me back in March.  I was so excited because he was the one I truly wanted to be with before I met my ex, but he had led me on, then decided he didn’t want me.  But, he started messaging again, so I couldn’t help but get excited.  I’m not going into all that AGAIN.  I’ve already talked about it all.  But now he doesn’t talk to me anymore.  Then that thing happened with Otha and I got excited again.  But that was another huge let down.  So, I feel like the only men who do want me are creeps, weirdos, morons, and narcissists.  I have high standards now, and the only ones that meet them, are people who don’t want me.  What does that say about me?  That I only attract the bottom of the barrel?

So when these men don’t want me, it’s like I start thinking what they might be thinking.  Like, when I post something on FB, I make up this thing in my head like when Otha sees it, he’s thinking how stupid or annoying I am and how I don’t deserve to exist.  Yeah, I know.  It’s dramatic.  Then sometimes at work, I feel like that.  When I walk into the  break room every day when I first get to work. there is a group of people that are sitting there almost every day, and they are people that never talk to me.  They always glare at me.  Everyone else in the building seems to like me.  But this group seems to not.  And one of them is this guy that over a year ago… he was acting interested in me.  He asked if I was single and told other people he thought I would be a good person to date  because I seemed like a “good girl.” Whatever the fuck that means.  Anyway, he told me to add him on FB, so I did.  Literally OVER NIGHT, he changed his mind.  He sent me a message saying he shouldn’t have tried to flirt with me and he bascially was saying, “Never mind,” in a nice way.  Like WTF?  And ever since then, he has been rude to me any time we have to converse regarding work things.  And he always avoids looking at me, or talking to me, unless his gaze just happens to fall on me, and he doesn’t look very happy about this.  WTF?  So anyway, I feel like every time I walk in the room and he’s there, I can feel his hate (I don’t even know why he hates me… he’s the one that said ‘nevermind’), and I can feel him thinking that I don’t deserve to exist.  I don’t know what I did that pissed him off so bad.  Maybe he saw something on my FB he didn’t like?  But I don’t know what it would be?  No fucking clue.

So yeah.  Bad depression today.  I feel like I don’t deserve to exist.  There is something very wrong with me and others can see it.