Expecting Too Much.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  For the past 3 months or so, I keep getting these random fevers accompanied by severe chills and body aches.  Sunday the body aches were so bad, I was crying.  It hurt just to sit.  I kept alternating between standing and sitting, rocking back and forth.  Last night I got chills so bad, I was shaking violently and couldn’t stop.  Of course N doesn’t ever care.  He always just says, “oh,” when I tell him I’m feeling any of these things, then he walks away.  No offer to help.  No sign of empathy.  Am I expecting too much?  Do I expect too much from people?  Is it selfish to want some kind of comfort.  A little over a month ago when I asked if he even cared he just said, “What am I supposed to do about it?”  And got mad.  I mean, I guess he’s right, there’s nothing he can do about it, but I just always thought your partner was supposed to at least comfort you… maybe even hold you when you’re shivering?  Maybe try to bring you water?  Meds?  I guess I’ve just always wanted too much from people.

But I’m scared.  I don’t know what it is and I’m afraid to know.  He doesn’t think I should go to the doctor.  I honestly think he doesn’t take me seriously at all.  Like he doesn’t believe I really feel that bad when these things happen to me.  We had a couple of covid tests, but they are suddenly missing?  I don’t know if he hid them or just moved them.  I can’t find them.  I was going to take one the last time I got a fever, but he said it was unnecessary to waste them like that…?

I feel so lonely.  All these movies and TV shows lied to us about how love is.  Men don’t really do those romantic things for us.  They don’t comfort us, or take us seriously.   They aren’t emotionally supportive.  I’ve never had anyone be that way to me.  Shit like that isn’t real.    Honestly, I wish he’d just go away.  I wish he would find someone else and leave me alone, because I would feel happier without him.  He makes me anxious and depressed.

It’s hard to explain, but as soon as I walk in the door of that apartment, I immediately feel like a different person.  I feel dumber, fatter, uglier that I did all day at work.  I don’t feel beautiful.  I don’t feel loved.  I feel disgusting.  I feel stupid.  I wish I had never been born.  I wish I were dead.