Everything Finally Makes Sense

I have a lot going on in my mind.  I’ve had a few big realizations that have helped me with my self-esteem, but it’s still hard when certain things keep happening to me.  1st of all, I recently found out that I’ve had undiagnosed autism my whole life.  Why?  Because I’m a woman and it presents differently than men.  We also mask better.  We pretend to be normal every day, so people won’t know.  Also, when I was a child, information about these kinds of things weren’t as available.  I have been looking back on my life…. everything the past few days, and SO MUCH MAKES SENSE.  It’s like… I finally understand so many things.  I finally realize, there’s nothing wrong with me.  I’m different, of course.  But it’s such a relief to have so many things explained to me.

All these things that happened as a child… I’ll get into more of that later, but my parents made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I got bullied by not only kids, but TEACHERS.  I was told so many times how weird I am.

I also saw a video of a man describing how no one is needy.  He used the example, if you sit down to eat dinner every night, you eat like normal.  You take your time, don’t think much about it.  If you’ve been in the desert, starving, dehydrated and you finally are able to get to some food and water, you are going to binge and being eating and drinking so much because you’ve been starved for so long.  He compared that to love.  If you haven’t experience love/compassion your whole life, and someone comes along and gives you just a little bit, you act the same way you would after starving for so long.  You just want more, and you don’t want it to end.

I can’t help but be angry at my parents.  I know information wasn’t as available back then, but they made some fucked up choices.  1st of all, neither of them was emotionally mature enough to have children, and they should have been more self-aware to realize that, instead of forcing two people into the world, who are now miserable because of them.  Instead of trying to figure out why I was acting the way I was, they just treated me as a burden and got mad at me, yelled at me…. Until I decided to pretend to be normal… as normal as I could.  I was emotionally neglected, gaslighted, emotionally abused, sometimes physically abused.  I was scared to ever say much of anything anymore, and people always asked me why I was so quiet.  Why?  Because I’ve been made to feel that my thoughts and feelings don’t matter.  I am worthless.  I am a burden.  That’s what I learned.  You add that to sensory issues, social issues, information processing issues, and you get one fucked up individual.

I will get more in depth and specific with all those things in future entries, because I’ve had so many revelations because of this new information.  They way kids, teachers, and parents treated me…  I have so many fucked up stories.  But now I know, there was nothing wrong with me.  I was different.  And I wasn’t treated with compassion, kindness, or love.  And now I’ve had this narrative in my head repeating so many things like, “There’s something wrong with you.  That’s why people keep abandoning you.  That’s why people keep using you and discarding you.  You’re not loveable.  You are worthless.  You are fat, ugly, stupid.”  That’s that narrative running in my head on a daily fucking basis, and now because of my parents, I have to unlearn all of that to have some sort of normal life.

I’m so exhausted.  I had my ex call me last night at 1am, so I’m tired and frustrated from that as well.  I’ll get more into that later, too, but basically it was a sob story.  Him trying to play on my empathy, but he didn’t realize than any empathy I ever had for him has disappeared.  And I could tell that shocked him.  Nothing he said made me feel bad for him.  And he said some “sad” shit.  Saying he wanted to die and all that stuff.  I was like, “Oh.  I’m sorry you feel that way.”  He was just blown away at my coldness, I could tell.  I couldn’t help it.  He contributed to making me that way.  It’s his own fucking fault.