Down.

I keep thinking back to this thing my ex said to me.  Well, he said his roommate said it to him one night, but after all is said and done, I wonder if the roommate never said it, and he just wanted to make me feel shitty.  He said his roommate said, “If Mallory gains any more weight, would you really still want to be with her?”  Yeah.  He told me that.  It was during our first argument.  His roommate had told me it looked like I had lost weight, and I said, “Thank you…” because I didn’t know what else to say.  And he got mad and started yelling at me.  He apparently didn’t like his roommate and he didn’t like that I said, “Thank you” instead of “fuck you.”  I’m not a confrontational person.  And a lot of times, when someone says something to me, my mind goes blank and I say the first thing that comes to mind.  I think it’s part of my autism.  I don’t know.  But I told him that and he was like, “You really don’t think before you talk??!”  He made me feel so shitty that day.  I was sobbing and he was like, “Why are you getting so emotional?”  I should have left him right then and there.  I can’t believe I put up with shit like that.  I thought he was right.  I thought I was trash and I should have thought of something better to say.  But the weight comment floored me.  I didn’t eat for like 3 days after that.  And he kept asking why I wasn’t eating.  I just said I wasn’t hungry.

Anyway, I keep thinking that’s the reason why nobody decent, smart, or kind wants me.  I’m too fat.  I’ve lost weight since then, but I’m still fat.  And it’s not even that I want to be with someone.  It’s not that my worth should be tied to one person wanting me… it’s that EVERY person I’ve ever actually truly wanted to be with (not settle) didn’t want me back.  They still don’t.  I keep meeting people who seem like they like me, but do a 180 overnight, and I think it’s my weight.  So that comment keeps running through my brain.  “If she gained any more weight, would you REALLY still want to be with her?”  Like the thought of being with me was repulsive.  And I just want to starve.  I want to starve like I did all those years ago when I got down to 108 pounds and people were worried about me because I barely ate anything.  I’m so depressed today.  I feel like worthless garbage.  I feel like I don’t deserve to live.  Like I’m a burden.  Any annoyance.  A waste of space.  I’m just a side thought to everyone.  I hate my parents for forcing me into this fucked up world.